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Hey stranger,

How are you today? How is your heart feeling?

Do you ever fall off the wagon and you find it so hard to get back?

I feel like nothing keeps me full these days. In the last 2 weeks, I have managed to keep my diet on track: 1 day yes, 2 days no and it’s a vicious cycle. I am either craving like there is no tomorrow or simply not hungry at all and I struggle. I have been so unmotivated, I am stressed at the moment. I try to keep it cool but I know it is affecting me.

I have been consistent with my workouts, walks and stretching. I have been sleeping around 6-7 hours per night, some days even 8+ but I get headaches when that happens. I have been told it’s visible that I have lost weight and I am starting to see it a bit too but I don’t know what to do with my motivation.

I am trying to remember that I shouldn’t feel guilty or blame myself. Maybe I just need more diversity. Keto diet can get quite hard so guess what, I will start baking ketogenic sweets and bread and whatever I have been craving like this is my last day on Earth. I don’t know what is going on with me. I guess I will have to create a big schedule and stick it to my wall so I can tick whenever I do it right and hopefully that will motivate me at least a bit. Ugh, I feel frustrated, my mood is changing from neutral to crazy and then back to neutral. I NEED A BREAK!

Do you ever feel like you want to go somewhere new, where nobody knows your name and just start fresh? That’s kinda how I feel right now. My life has become a pitiful routine. I need to escape this town… I hope London will bring the freshness that I so much need…

I have two names, nobody seems to say any of them right although they are common names, so I will choose a nickname, english friendly haha. That will be my new identity.

Update, I just improved my mood with some crazy dancing, now I feel productive again. Right, back at planning.

I will make a schedule for a whole month and meal prep for 3 days (I can’t prepare for more than 2-3 days, I simply cannot eat). My weight loss has stalled so, I will check it every two weeks. I don’t want to start obsessing over it again. I have always had the most toxic relationship with the scale but I am a balanced person right now, I like to believe it. I am really trying. I actually enjoy looking at my body now, it’s not only the weight loss, trust me.

A few years ago, I was so obsessed with losing weight and I did indeed lose that weight. I ended up being underweight and I was still practising karate (yes, I did that for almost 5 years and before that, I played handball for 4 years too, kinda always the sporty type). There was so much pressure on me from everyone. Don’t get me wrong, I loved those sports, I just didn’t love myself…

My ideal weight years ago, a specific number, like 15 kg less compared to what is supposed to be a healthy weight for my height and I am a tall girl. I have suffered from nervous bulimia for years but I thought it was normal, I would just ignore it and ignore the thoughts.

I hit rock bottom in 2018 when it all went to hell, I just lost control, I was so ashamed of myself for not being able to get a grip on my life… Between this and my knees problems that forced me to stop practising karate and being active for some time, it rapidly turned into depression...

I was a complete stranger in my own body and life…

It was horrible but I didn’t have suicidal thoughts, I actually haven’t had them in so many years. I kept telling myself that I want to live so I have to never stop pushing through.

I won’t go into to many details about this but the weight I am trying to lose now, I gained it after having a really bad mental breakdown. I didn’t tell anyone about it back then, I simply couldn’t. I never felt more alone and broken. It was a poison that kept spreading. I found the antidote I was looking for in my hands, I just couldn’t see it for a very long period of time…

My relationship with food, exercise and the scale is improving now, that’s why I know I will get back on track and I have to be gentle with myself.

I am all I have! I need to cherish my body and love it through good and bad. I can’t always control what’s happening in my life but I can try to control the way I react.

I never plan to write such long articles. When the need to write hits me, I sit in front of my laptop and just go with the flow…

This blog is like a legacy for my future self. I will read everything again in a few years and truly appreciate my progress and strength.

All my life I have been told that I am too much but I am not! I am simply me! I love the person I am becoming.

This picture was taken four days ago when I was so happy and grateful for being able to see the day transitioning into the night in such a magnificent way.

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