Better Me Series: Part 1

Hello Stranger!

Hope life has been treating you well!

It's been a month since my last article, and as promised, here I am again, starting a new series to improve myself, just like the title suggests.

Apologies for the delay—this article was meant to be posted on Thursday afternoon, but I couldn't finish proofreading in time. I had a super busy day at work and a migraine that made my head feel like it was about to explode.

Anyway, the initial goal is to have three articles in this series, but I am open to adding more.

We shall see how it goes.

Let's start by exploring what this series is about and why I've decided to create it.

As you know, I'm always stressed, and I can't remember a time when my life was less chaotic, busy, and not so focused solely on work.

The reason I wanted to post on the 1st of August is because this particular day marks yet another year of living abroad on my own.

This year marks 6 years of living—better said, just working—in the U.K.!

Memories are blurry, which is good because many are terrible, and I just want to forget.

But I can't believe how fast time has flown! I genuinely hope I won't be here for a decade and that I'll move out of London at some point because this city is stressful and full of many things I don't want in my life.

However, two years ago, it also marked a new beginning. If you remember, on the 1st of August 2022, I had my assessment day in London, with about five rounds of interviews for my previous role as a software engineer apprentice with my current company.

I used to dread this day because it was a reminder of still being in a place I had tried to leave behind many times. But after four years, this day gained a new meaning, reminding me that despite being exhausted from trying so hard, I didn't give up and found something that became my new career. I also just 'celebrated' that my contract as a junior software engineer started four months ago!

I am also almost ready to apply for British citizenship, which is merely a want, not a need! After six years here, with my first-ever job also being here, and seeing how much tax I've paid so far, plus all the therapy—damn...

I'm slightly joking, but I feel like I've earned it.

Since Brexit, I needed to wait six years to apply instead of five, with one full year of settled status, which I'll have in mid-September since it took a few weeks for them to approve it.

This is quite a big expense, so I won't do it this year but at the beginning or mid-next year. I have other big expenses that take priority now, but it's good to know I'll soon be able to have a second citizenship and passport, and my picture better look great!

You are probably wondering where I am going with this. Well, I am merely trying to do some self-reflection on the past years. I am older now, and thankfully, the lack of sun here has kept me looking pretty much like I did when I was 19. I've even lost my face freckles because I don't get enough sun exposure and I have been wearing sunscreen every day, though I still have some on my hands and forearms.

I must say, I look better now because my skin is clear (I used to have cystic acne for years), and I know how to take care of it.

The only thing that has really changed is my body. So many unforeseen harsh circumstances, traumatic events, and my desperate attempts to keep pushing myself until I ended up crashing many times.

Looking back, I wish I had done things differently...

Better yet, I wish I had been raised to prioritise my well-being over everything else...

If I ever have kids, I know what not to do and what truly matters to teach them.

So what do you think inspired this new series? Frankly, I am just tired. I'm tired of myself and how I've let things get.

I'm tired of always prioritising everything else over my health and body.

You know it's not the first time I've mentioned this, but I honestly wish I had a better relationship with myself because, at the end of the day, it is the most important and longest relationship I will ever have in my life!

These last three years (since losing a lot of weight in 2020 and starting to regain it in 2021, initially rapidly after the Scotland incident), I've seen my body change more and more, and many times I've felt powerless to stop it. Other times, I've felt guilty, and most of the time, I simply feel ashamed.

I wish some words my mother said to me didn’t live rent-free in my head: "You’ve let yourself go, can’t you see it when you look in the mirror?"

I'm not blind, so yeah, I definitely can. Pointing it out doesn't do anything good other than making me feel crappy. The worst is remembering it every time I have a terrible day.

So, be mindful of what you say, you don't know how many times your words could be replaying in someone's head.

It also doesn’t help that no matter how I’ve looked, I’ve always received the same harsh criticism from her and others. Even when my ribs were clearly visible, it was still the same...

Truthfully, I could never be a petite woman because that's not my body type.

But I’ve always looked strong, partly because I was always working out.

From volleyball, handball, and karate, to cycling, lifting weights, and being very flexible...

It feels like a lifetime ago, but sports used to be my escape.

Growing up, I felt so powerless for many reasons. Some of those reasons I’ve mentioned before, and others I might mention someday, or maybe not.

I’m all for transparency, but sometimes you need to keep some things to yourself. I do it mainly to forget because out of sight, out of mind. Would be great if it worked like that, right?

I don't know when practising sports stopped bringing me peace and started feeling like a heavy chore needed to stay in shape. Maybe it was when chronic stress began affecting both my mental and physical health. Maybe it was when I was constantly trying to survive, and life kept hitting me with more and more harsh slaps.

I honestly can't pinpoint the exact moment.

Of course, it doesn’t help that I’m always in pain no matter what I do, and over the last few years, my ability to move with ease has decreased considerably...

Unfortunately, the weight has been increasing instead. It doesn’t matter that I often eat very little and still walk a lot; my weight just keeps going up, and my body is now inked with many new purple stretch marks...

Growing up, I used to wrap myself in foil and try to work out, especially when the days were already hot, even wearing those "special" pants and blouses that make you sweat.

In high school, I started with intermittent fasting and drinking lots of green tea or "slimming" teas, and I even tried meal replacement shakes.

Body types should never be beauty standards!

I was bullied for having rounder hips, and people always pointed out how I could look better if I were like this or like that, basically without curves.

I’ve mentioned before that I have an hourglass body shape, and growing up in Romania with this body shape led to so much criticism and body shaming. I was never overweight, on the contrary, I was very active, strong, and slim, yet I tried so hard to get rid of my hips just to fit a particular beauty ideal. It wasn't just about being skinny, what's crazy is that I even tried to see if there was any surgery to remove my curves. Ironic, right?

I regret not standing up to so many people who made stupid comments about my body.

I was young and impressionable, and being conditioned to believe I wasn’t enough because of my body shape truly made my teenage years a living hell.

Then I moved to the U.K., and suddenly my body became a beauty ideal. I started receiving compliments, and also seeing so many people getting plastic surgery to achieve this look has left me feeling so confused and conflicted.

While I've started to appreciate its beauty over time, I still struggle with my relationship with food and my desire to be smaller. I tend to become extreme with everything I do and have zero balance. I don’t approach things slowly and sustainably, and I end up miserable. It feels like a never-ending cycle—lose weight, gain weight, then do it all over again...

I am so damn tired! This has pretty much been a constant in my life, and many times I feel like a failure. It used to make me cry a lot, but now I just look in the mirror and feel disappointed.

Maybe I am also self-sabotaging because, instead of trying to find healthier ways, I somehow still look for shortcuts. But I also know what happens after you successfully use a shortcut...

It’s almost like I expect failure after brief success because I’m so used to it.

I no longer have the energy or patience for ridiculously extreme measures for weight loss.

The worst part is that even when I lost weight many times, I was still miserable and hated the way I looked, always thinking that if I could be smaller, then maybe I would be happy...

I am well aware this is an eating disorder...

In May, right after my birthday, I paid for my mom to have a whole week of holiday in London and treated her to everything because I wanted her to take a break from her life after going through some very stressful and draining months, so she could relax and be spoiled by me without having to worry about money.

Yet, she still thought it was necessary to tell me I should lose weight. I told her that people rarely gain weight like this because that's their goal.

Even during our last hug before she went home, this was one of the last things she said to me, and then she asked if I was upset. No, of course not—how could I possibly be upset about that?! While the intentions might have been good, it doesn't make it any less hurtful...

Enough is enough, and I want to find my spark again and it's time to break the pattern, one way or another. Hopefully, this series will help me—and perhaps you too, if you're going through a similar experience.

Here are some things that I want to ensure I prioritise:

• Waking up earlier: Currently, I wake up around 7 AM on most days when I work from home—a habit I’ve been slowly building over the last two months. Otherwise, before, many days I’d wake up just 10 minutes before starting work. For office days, I wake up at 6:30 AM because despite living in London, the commute is over an hour most of the time or an hour if I am lucky. The goal is to start waking up at 6 AM daily. I’ve been adjusting my bedtime as well, but I still need to go to sleep earlier to wake up so early. Yes, this is pretty early because my work starts at 9 AM.

• A short workout in the morning, followed by a brief walk: I want to keep in mind that even thirty minutes of exercise matters, and any movement is better than no movement.

• Indoor walking: I recently bought a small walking pad, which is much smaller than a treadmill. It’s great for when I want to watch something or listen to music while walking slowly instead of sitting, and it doesn't really feel like a workout even if I am walking quite fast (Although, I have been having several issues with this walking pad so I'll see).

• Reaching 10,000 steps daily: I want to make sure I am moving my body enough during the day and taking enough breaks from all of my screens.

• No coffee and no energy drinks: I successfully stopped drinking coffee because immediately after waking up I was consuming a ridiculous amount to function throughout the day (which barely worked), only to experience severe and dizzying energy crashes in the afternoon. I’m now drinking a mix of green and black tea, unsweetened, with some added fresh lemon juice and mint leaves. I drink it cold with ice—non-negotiable. This way, a lot of the bitterness is gone, and it almost tastes like iced tea. I use a 1-litre teapot, so I don’t just drink one cup of tea per day.

  • I haven’t given up caffeine, just coffee and like I mentioned, energy drinks because I was drinking them when I was exhausted and then I would still drink coffee as well! The caffeine in tea is released slower into the bloodstream, so it doesn’t immediately wake you up, but it helps keep your energy levels steadier throughout the day with almost no afternoon crashes. Feel free to look into this if you want, I oversimplified it.

  • Bonus points: less anxiety, shaking hands, and palpitations!
    

• Intermittent fasting: I aim for a minimum of 16 hours a day. I didn’t really enjoy having breakfast right after waking up, and I used to eat at all sorts of hours throughout the day. I’ve been doing intermittent fasting every day for two months now, which has improved my hunger cues, reduced cravings, and hopefully stabilised my blood sugar levels even a bit.
  

• Meal Prep: I work too much most days and don’t have time to cook daily. I’ve been doing meal prep on and off for months, but the issue is that I’ve saved so many recipes I want to try, and not everything has been delicious, which ended up with me getting takeout or eating extra snacks so that's not ideal. I think it's time to start incorporating Romanian recipes again because I am not biased when I say that they are incredible and I really miss eating them.

  • I want to use a principle from programming called KISS: Keep It Simple, Silly! (The last word is usually different, but I prefer this one.) I plan to go back to basics and ensure the meals don’t take an eternity to prepare and don't require too many ingredients but I want every meal to have pretty much an even spread of protein, carbs, and veggies with healthier fats. Sundays should be dedicated to meal prep, and I aim to cook for three or four days. You can also freeze the meals after preparing them so they taste fresh; just move them to the fridge the night before you want to eat them.
    

  • Calorie Tracking: While I’m not a big fan of this, if you plan to eat the same meals for a few days, you can plan the days in advance using an app so you don't have to use the app every day unless you are also eating something else that's not tracked. I’m not doing this just to ensure I’m in a calorie deficit, but also to make sure I’m eating enough protein.

• Standing while working: I finally bought a small standing desk because sitting without moving much for 8+ hours every day was worsening my back pain and I'd end up with my knees swollen as well. Now I’m alternating between standing and sitting, and I’m already noticing a difference!

• Baking: I’ve avoided baking for years because I was afraid of the ingredients, but many sweet treats can be made with healthier alternatives and often taste better than store-bought snacks. Making a small batch every week will help satisfy my sweet tooth without feeling the need to rely on store-bought sweets.

This is a homage to my younger self because she deserved so much better and certainly didn’t deserve to endure so many harsh things just to become “strong.”

She also deserved the love, kindness, and respect she tried to give to everyone.

To my younger self, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I owe you the biggest apology—not only for how I let others treat you but for how I treated you as well.

I am so sorry that I didn’t know how to treat you better and take care of you...

Now, I’ve reached the point where I am no longer just trying to survive and I’m finally trying to learn how to live.

In a way, it’s sad to do this self-reflection because I would never treat someone as badly as I have treated myself over the years.

Accountability is important because, without it, there is no growth.

Everyone makes mistakes, but a mistake that keeps repeating is no longer a mistake—it’s simply a choice!

There’s no moving forward until you learn to forgive and love yourself, and nobody is coming to save me from myself!

Remember this before you focus on other people and things: You can’t pour from an empty cup! Nurture yourself first!

Also, on Monday, while waiting for the bus, a pigeon suddenly fell near the bus stop and almost got run over right in front of me. Unfortunately, three buses were moving one behind the other. I managed to get the pigeon out of immediate danger, but then another car came out of nowhere. I thought he would fly away but it almost hit him, it was pure luck that the car didn't touch him. After seeing that, without thinking, I ran into the middle of the road to grab the pigeon and luckily, he wasn’t injured, but he was malnourished and seemed to be a baby, perhaps only a month old. I knew that if I left him there most probably he wouldn't survive so I took him home, and he’s now safe and regaining his strength.

He can’t fly much yet, so I’ll be taking care of him for a while longer to see how he progresses. He has no injuries but I want to take him to the vet for a check-up, I haven't been able to do it yet because my week has been ridiculously busy and there is a heat wave.

I’ve raised rescued pigeons before as pets, and they are incredible, and such misunderstood and loving birds!

I’m not sure yet if he will become a pet or if he’ll be releasable, but he’s improving day by day and is absolutely adorable.

Please be kind to animals, and if you see any that need your help, please assist somehow!

I saw so many people completely indifferent seeing this poor baby pigeon almost getting run over, nobody else tried to help and one person next to me almost seemed happy when he almost died...

This is not a kind world, please be the change you want to see!

By changing nothing, nothing changes!

Anyway, these are pretty much all my updates and also my goals!

I hope you have enjoyed this article and you found it useful somehow, although I apologise if you have had a similar experience and reading this has been triggering.

I hope we will start healing together because life is too short to keep hating our bodies that do so much for us, even if most of the time we tend to forget this.

See you in a month! Take care!

Today's song: https://youtu.be/_knvaSWgDDc?si=VDB5NwF40WJKTfw9