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What happens when it starts to hurt again?

Two days ago I lost control.

1 am thoughts and It’s time to open up and admit that lately I had no control over... pretty much anything.

I was emotionally vulnerable, I cried my eyes out, I felt my heart breaking harder than ever...

My lack of sleep has been affecting me badly; from daily headaches to wanting to quit, risk it all and go home. I’m now taking sleeping pills, don’t worry, I got them from the doctor and I don’t take them every night. Last week has been decent, sleeping more, not waking up during the night and definitely feeling more rested and with a clearer head.

My ED has been punching me too, we’ve had our fair share of battles but it seems like I’m on the losing side so far.

I really lost control... I went back to Luton for the weekend because I really needed a break.

I drank and I even smoked (no, I didn’t get drunk or high, I just felt relaxed).

However, the worst part is how I simply couldn’t stop eating. I felt so full, my stomach was hurting but I couldn’t stop stuffing my mouth. I felt the compulsive need to eat and I wanted to stop but my hand was shaking, it felt like a need that I cannot stop...

Shortly, disgust towards myself filled all my senses...

I want to mention that I haven’t felt like this in months. Ever since I moved to London I’ve been feeling so different. I try to adapt but I feel like a stranger, like I’m simply tolerated but not wanted or appreciated. I don’t feel seen, I’m like a ghost...

I feel like even if I’m dealing with something really traumatic that it’s tearing me apart, I can’t tell anyone because nobody wants to know... There is nobody that would hug and hold me tight. Sorry, I’m lying. I have the cat. I’m so lucky that he loves me so much and for him, I come first.

Apologies for not posting anything lately, I just felt like I had absolutely nothing to say. I was trapped in my own head and perhaps I still am...

I need to use whatever is left of 2020 and make it up to myself. This year cannot finish this way, not after all my work.

I am stronger than my problems, I am stronger than my worries and I will succeed. I will build and live the life that I deserve and that I am meant to live!

I can and I will improve myself!

For those that feel like they are losing it, and they are completely alone, I see you and I want to remind you that you aren’t alone! I may be just another stranger from the internet telling you this but I will always be here for you! You can do this! I believe in you, and I am proud of you!

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