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Vulnerability and acceptance

Updated: Nov 17, 2021

Hey You...

Thank you so much for 900 views, you guys are amazing and your constant support means a lot to me!

I tried posting this article three times yesterday but absolutely no luck! I am seriously considering changing the website. I will let you know when I find a better alternative!

As the title says, this is what I feel right now and I just want to share with you...

It’s just one of those days that I haven’t had in a long time... I feel completely and utterly alone, like there is something inside me screaming, reminding me that it doesn’t matter how many people surround me, it’s still just me.

This isn’t about craving love!

The little girl’s dad used to be a doctor and few days ago I received my MRI result and I asked him if he could read it for me and just explain a little.

Guys, it broke my heart to find out the truth...

It’s not osteoarthritis but it’s also not something that could be solved with injections or medication like my doctor back home made me think. She made me pay so much for Hyaluronic Acid injections, and they are so painful! Apparently my patella is loose and not in the right position, yeah, that sounds and is awful and painful... I need surgery! They sent me a message today that I will have an appointment with a specialist on the 24th, and I am nervous...

I guess I need to hear from another doctor that what I have can only be fixed like this, injections won’t do anything... They will ease the pain for a bit but mask the real problem... I cannot live like this anymore. I know I have been a bit quiet on here in the last few days but I have been in so much pain, I even took painkillers and nothing helped. I just wanted to cry but I simply couldn’t, it just felt like I had no tears left.

It’s strange, I might have surgery soon and I will insist on getting it done as soon as possible because I don’t know how long the recovery can take and I will need physiotherapy too...

I am all alone, my family is far away, I don’t have friends here, surgery freaks me out but hey, I have been through so many things alone, I will face this too...

I have become so independent that I cannot even imagine having anyone by my side, surely not romantically.

Talking about romantic stuff, I just feel like giving up. I shouldn’t search for someone, I shouldn’t force myself into dating guys that don’t even try hiding how they look at my body...

I am more than just my curves... London seems to be a different city, it happened twice already that someone stopped me on the street and asked for my number. The last time it happened 3 days ago, and I was coming back from the gym, I was wearing a mask and this guy was walking behind me, and then he walked faster and stopped in front of me asking for ‘directions’. He asked me to take my mask off after he already told me he wants to get to know me and ‘take care’ of me. I have been taking care of myself for years, thank you very much. I know some of you might say that I should go for it but please don’t, I don’t feel like doing it and this isn’t about my anxiety or comfort zone! I really dislike when men look at me like I am their new sex doll, and they are just excited to play!

The person who broke my heart, I loved him very much and although I don’t miss him, and I am healing, it will take me a long time before I feel again. I am demisexual and sapiosexual, it’s a hard combo, but he left me dry. I built walls around my heart, and they are freaking high. Having trust issues after being left is somehow normal, you don’t want to get hurt again. I will keep working on loving myself harder and harder and only when I feel that I am getting closer to that, then, I will consider opening my heart again for someone else. Happiness comes from within, so please stop waiting for someone else to make you happy! It’s okay if you take your time, it’s okay if you are single, it’s okay if you are not having sex. IT’S OKAY!

This is a reminder, stop trying to fit in just because it’s labelled as ‘cool’. Try being yourself, learn to accept it and you will start loving your life.

I guess I don’t have much to say this time, I am still trying to figure out things, like we all do.

My body dysmorphia has been a real pain in the ass lately. Four month ago I’ve started using the contraceptive patch and oh my gosh, the roller-coaster! It triggered my hormonal acne again (nothing like it used to be before) but my body is getting used to it. The first month I threw up a few times. I woke up, drank water, threw up! Bloated every single day, cysts on my chin and jaw, constant headaches and I bled for one month... Mood swings, low libido, low or high appetite. Anyway, I just thought about giving you a heads up! The contraceptive patch delivers 60% more hormones than the pill. The main reason I’ve started using it is my period and the infernal cramps! Every single month since grade 7 has been hell on earth! I saw a gynaecologist maybe four years ago because I fainted twice, thanks amazing cramps, and she told me about birth control back then but I didn’t want it, but I am so fed up now! I can’t just live my life being scared of my period. I can tell you that the patch is really helping with the pain, I still get bloated and my breasts become tender but not as bad as before. I am really awful at taking pills, especially when you have to take them every day at the same hour so using patches is so much better. You get to use 3 patches in one month. You place it somewhere for seven days, then you change it and place it somewhere else and then once again. You do this for three weeks and then the fourth one is patch-free for your period. The great part is that you will always know when your bloody friend is coming because it will regulate it. You might experience lighter flows in the first three months but then it becomes normal again. Always remember that it takes time for your body to adjust. This patch is like the combined pill so it’s supposed to help with acne too, especially the hormonal one but be patient. It’s not easy and it might take time. If you are in the U.K., contraception is free!

Love you, take care of yourself!

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