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Hi stranger,

I have missed you and writing but I had no time so yeah, let’s do it now. It’s 2 am, I have my headphones on and I feel like this is the best time. I feel so many things right now, I need to write.

All about my last four days: cleaning, packing, planning, bad moods and binge sleeping (not a choice, I just struggle to sleep).

Also, hair update, I have no idea what is going on, I am not sure if I can notice the hair loss or not but I have started taking biotin supplements. Thanks for your suggestions.

Sure, I have a lot of hair but I would rather prevent further damage than to regret it, stress is getting the best of me…

The only problem is that these supplements might bring back acne, especially cystic acne and if I see that happening, I will stop taking them straight away. We shall see.

Are you ready for storytime?

I am definitely ready to share something else with you.

Today I have finally started my level 4 gym instructor and personal trainer course!!! Because I am a masochist when it comes to working hard, I chose the most advanced and difficult course but hey, I will have great qualifications. Also, I will be qualified to legally give nutrition advice/meal plans and charge for it. It will be a lot of hard work but I am super excited! I have been planning this for over six months. I can’t express how happy I was the whole day, I even gave random hugs to my housemate but she did play a huge part in this whole thing so I am really thankful. Now I feel drained, I am not used to feeling happy or excited for more than a few minutes. I seriously am neutral all the time. It’s like feeling nothing, although you might actually be feeling everything, you just try to ignore or deny it so it won’t affect you too much…

In five days I am supposed to fly back home and in literally six days I will turn 21. Like no, no, no. I don’t want to get older but I do wanna eat cake.

I can’t believe that two years ago, right after turning 19, I decided to leave everything behind and just move to another country broke, alone and with no previous work experience. Nothing but big dreams and a lot of ambition.

I spent seven months without being able to go back home to visit my family and friends, I was bullied at work and I really didn’t want to screw everything up because I can be quite harsh if I get annoyed so I try my best to keep my mouth shut most of the time (worst decision ever!). I also had the worst accommodation and couldn’t afford anything else. I was basically paying to be in a cage. Then I got another job with another airline, they gave me short notice and I just moved six hours away, all by myself (again) and by bus. I barely had any money to live for more than a month after paying rent and deposit somewhere else. I went into six weeks unpaid and intense training, I had to borrow money from my mom again and she had to borrow it from somewhere else. I can’t wait to be able to repay her somehow…

Life has taught me many things but the best lesson is the importance of being able to deal with shit all by yourself, away from everyone you love, in a foreign country and all while being broke.

I am not broke today, I have worked a lot to have enough money to move to London and live for at least two months without any income. It may not sound like that is a lot but if you know London prices, then you will easily understand what I am talking about. It was really hard to achieve that in a year while earning barely above the minimum wage and I had other expenses that I couldn’t postpone anymore.

This article is about celebrating your victories! It’s so bloody important to do that. I feel like this is the best gift I could offer myself, my hard work.

University is waiting for me (hopefully it will happen in October and it won’t be postponed until January), a whole new career is waiting for me too. Cheers to our pain and sorrow for making us stronger!

I am so glad I didn’t give up when I was completely shattered and all I wanted was to disappear!

Do you know how many times I had to pick myself up piece by piece?

Do you know how many times I was so broken and hurt that I packed my bags all over again and I was ready to leave and move back home?

I could never consider that again, no matter how tough things get, my future is here. England is my home and I love it but I love myself even more for all the struggles and tears, for everything that I have achieved and will continue to achieve. Cheers to life!

Thank you dear self for having my back. Thank you for being there when no one else was. I owe you everything.

Believe in yourself! You can achieve everything you want in life but be there for yourself, no matter what!

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