How have you been?
Please, be patient if you want to send any messages.
Some of you will be able to send a message hopefully tomorrow, but we are close to 5,000 people reading the articles and the website is too slow. I read three messages the other day, and I want to thank you so damn much for all your support and your kind words. I have missed you all and my heart is full of love for each and one of you!
I wanted to write on Saturday but I decided to take the weekend off. I wanted to relax, enjoy being home and be more present. After two stressful weeks, I was basically sick every day. I had so many things to pack! I wanted to scream at my own bags for being so many… I rented a storage room and moved most of my things there. I had three oversized trolleys that I took home with me as well, which I carried alone to the airport and I almost broke one finger.
I managed after struggling to carry them while walking for approximatively fifteen minutes. Bless my body for never failing me despite all the pain! I admire people that don’t find packing intimidating, I aspire to be like that as well. Of course, I should sell half of things first. It will genuinely take me probably two weeks to unpack everything. I do want to check my dressing and donate older clothes first. My anxiety was so bad that for an entire week I could barely sleep, I was nauseous and even randomly threw up and my migraine was too intense. This rarely happens but I had too many things to take care of in quite a short period of time. However, I solved everything, submitted my assignment and I officially moved out! I am home! I am doing much better now, and I slept a lot and so well in the last three days. I am calm and relaxed and it feels so good to be in an environment that doesn't feel like a prison. I feel free! Coming back home is temporary, I will be back in the U.K. in 2-3 months.
As I've mentioned before, I have some things to solve before I can move to another country and start fresh.
I am grateful that for the first time in almost four years I get to spend holidays with my family. Every year I had to work, without being paid extra, and I stopped celebrating everything… I guess I used to take things for granted before, and you never truly appreciate something until you lose it.
Leaving my home country completely alone two weeks after I turned 19, with barely any money that my mom got as a loan, no superior studies/higher education other than my Baccalaureate Diploma (high school) and no work experience… I still wonder how I did it. Looking back, I was terrified. I first had to stay in Italy for six weeks and then moved to the U.K. and I spent almost a year without seeing my family. I had only specific goals in mind: work, save some money, finally start studying psychology. I knew so many things about universities there because I was planning it for a long time, I was so excited! One relative told my mom that I should stop dreaming about this because life is too expensive here and she won’t be able to support me financially. My mom was never supportive about psychology to begin with, and eventually she told me to stop thinking about moving to the U.K. to study, and if one day I want to study this, I should do this with my own money… I was so sad… I forced myself into studying foreign languages in my home country and moved to the capital. I hated it! My grades were great, after all, I am already a polyglot. I just wanted psychology! High grades won’t do much for me, I already know that I am very smart and my brain also has the ability to easily memorise word by word, even long pages, if necessary… It’s kinda like mechanical/rote memory but better, I can easily recall random paragraphs and even paraphrase it if I’m anxious. This has served me well with all the silly subjects and exams. I used to have about 20 subjects in high school and I had top grades all the time but what’s really the point? I am passionate and I love learning more about things that spark my interest. Even my former therapist from high school told me that I should really consider this path because it seems like I am a natural when it comes to psychology. Strangely enough, I was also very good at philosophy but I never bothered to study anything related to it, I could just have deep talks about what I believed to be the meaning of life. If I have to be fully honest, I was just depressed and going through a rough time but nobody noticed because I am so good at pretending that I have my sh*t together sometimes. I dropped out of university after seven months and several fights with my parents, and told them that I have too much potential to waste my time on a degree that is basically useless. Soon after, I found my way out of that country by becoming a flight attendant. Frankly, my first time on a plane was after I got the job, I just pushed myself knowing that I need to stay strong… I was never scared, apparently I love heights. I put up with bullying, body shaming, humiliation, insomnia, my body going through so many changes from flying excessively, lack of rest, no time to have a personal life and my chronic pain getting worse. Never mind the fact that I was working my ass off having morning, afternoon and night shifts in a bloody week, you can imagine how great my body was feeling. I was literally living the dream, the miserable one though. Plus I kept missing birthdays and holidays and still not making enough money… I had my bags packed because I wanted to give up far too many times. I am so proud of myself for not giving up. It took a huge amount of strength to keep going despite everything. I will certainly write articles about all the difficulties. (It’s time to heal all those unhealed wounds…)
I was willing to endure any difficulty and make even more sacrifices so I can finally start following my dream and study psychology. At least, this is what I thought. After some time, I realised that I could never be a normal student. I couldn’t afford living in the U.K. without working full-time and studying part-time and I had no financial support from my parents (not because they didn’t want to help but they barely had enough for themselves. Having a decent life in my home country is a luxury…) I did a lot of research and I eventually found a university in London with evening classes and part-time psychology courses. I carefully planned moving closer to London, started working for another airline, saving some money… Time kept flying and my financial difficulties became an impediment. I would dedicate a decade or more of my life to study psychology if I could. Life is just not fair sometimes… I wanted to focus on neuroscience and psychopathology. I would have needed a BSc, MSc and PhD. I like to call psychopathology the bridge between psychology and psychiatry. To put it in simple words, it focuses on mental disorders and unusual or maladaptive behaviours. I know so much about this because I kept reading and it always made me happy. Psychology will always put a smile on my face. I dreamed of this for too many years… Psychology will always be the love of my life! All I wanted was to bring more awareness and help as many people as possible…
However, I also wanted to help my mom financially even a bit because I can’t stand seeing her going through so much… I am sorry to say this, but sometimes, not all dreams come true, at least not when you want them to. I believe that what is meant to be, it will be. Sometimes, it just happens later than you expected.
Eventually, it just got too hard. I tried to find something else, I finished my Certificate of higher education in Legal Studies with a high 2:1, I was very close to finishing with distinction but, it’s okay. Some of you know that I had an offer to continue with LLB, but I decided that it’s best to continue with something else. Maybe, for some of you, it might sound like I am indecisive, but I am not! Trying to find something that you like after you give up on your passion is certainly not easy. I disliked law very much. I am studying something completely different that I never even thought about before, for now I want to keep it a secret and I will tell you soon. I did finish my Front-end development course with SheCodes, it took me three months because my mental health wasn’t ideal but I really enjoyed it. I don’t love it… yet! I doubt that anything can replace my love for psychology, but I do like it a lot. It hurts so much when you love something with all your heart and yet you have to give up on it… It breaks my heart to talk about this, it can still make me cry today so I usually avoid talking about it…
One day, I might follow my true calling but for now, I need to follow this path and create my own empire. I will keep writing, this is as close as I get to psychology. I love talking to all of you.
I want to break negative patterns, and share my journey. Always keep in mind that you have too much potential to settle for things that don’t make you happy! Growth is uncomfortable, always remember that! Ask yourself if you want to stay like this or keep working on the person that you truly want to become. These have been the loneliest years of my life. I don’t actually have friends in the U.K., I don’t really see my life getting anywhere here. I truly wanted it to be my forever home but, I know my future is somewhere else. My heart goes out to the person that I used to be, but solitude is empowering. She had no idea how life would get. However, all these difficult experiences are character forming. I choose the see the good in everything. Without all the pain, I would have been a different person today. Would I have been as strong as I am now? I doubt it... I am proud of myself for everything. I am my own role model, I know that no matter what happens, I will rise higher and I will become stronger. Like the song says: let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday… You can do this, you are stronger than you think and you will be okay. I believe in you and I am always here for you. Overall, things are getting much better. I’m a slightly bumped by the time difference but I’m quickly adjusting. I want to create a better routine and sleep earlier. I know I’ve been saying this a lot but I am genuinely not good at keeping a daily routine, I find anything that is repetitive slightly annoying, and I can’t do things in the same order all the time. I can get everything done from my to-do list but I won’t really respect the order or the priority. I guess this is something that I need to work on. I certainly wasted money on planners which I couldn’t use. Building new habits is hard but I’m trying. Thanks to therapy, I’ve been getting better at prioritising my own needs and making time for myself. I am even able to clearly communicate my boundaries and say ‘no’! How amazing is that? I am no longer a people pleaser, I guess. I’m still working on that but I’m on the right path. I’m seriously becoming a different person and I love it! Even my therapist told me yesterday that she’s really proud of me for all the progress that I’ve been making and she’s grateful to work with me. Therefore, I’m determined to commit to my own well-being and finish this year off in a majestic way, especially now that my mental health has improved considerably. Remember, you need to practice the person that you want to be. It would be much easier if it could just happen overnight, however, the truth is that nothing happens if you don’t put in the work. You need to show up for yourself, take care of yourself, forgive and love yourself. You are the main character of your life! Practice every single day! Practice gratitude, look into the mirror and smile at yourself! It’s time to stop shrinking yourself for the comfort of others. It’s time to take up space and find your voice! If you truly believe in yourself, there is nothing stopping you. Your anxiety does not define you and you are so much stronger than you think! Embrace your own light, it’s time to shine!
Today's song choice: https://youtu.be/ij9_wRYH9uA