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Trapped. Hello May!

Dear no one,

It’s okay if today wasn’t your day…

Today definitely wasn’t my day, my anxiety is really torturing me.

I was trying to apply my night skincare routine but thoughts kept coming and coming and I tried to decide between writing in my personal diary or my anonymous blog. Hard choice but I will share with you. Spoiler alert: a n x i e t y.

I am not feeling okay…I feel like I am suffocating.

I want to go home but I’ve been stuck in this house for almost 2 months now and I can’t take it anymore. All the noises and voices, I don’t even have a bit of quietness for my thoughts. Do you know how uncomfortable that is? I feel like I am on the verge of a mental breakdown. Everything irritates me, I am losing control and there is not a single moment of silence in this house… I can’t wait to live alone or at least with a friend.

I am so quiet that people sometimes don’t even know if I am in the house or not. I am a freaking ninja!

Remember the job I said that I don’t like and I will soon leave behind? No worries, my career in aviation officially ended 3 days ago. The company decided to make me redundant in the middle of a pandemic because they don’t need so many people but I don’t even have a chance to find another job right now. I wouldn’t have minded that much if we weren’t in such a difficult situation but I am stuck and this is definitely stressing me out big time. My anxiety is back, my sleep schedule is completely messed up, mostly barely sleeping, trapped in this place and I can’t stand hearing the same constant noises all day long. Can I have some peace of mind? Nope. Not here.

My birthday is in 20 days. I am literally debating if I should comfort myself and just buy something that I have been postponing for quite some time or just keep the money and add it to my savings account since I am literally jobless now and moving soon.

Honestly, all I want is to spend my 21st birthday with my family. That’s the solace I want from this weird year. I feel like I should go home and stay there maybe a month and then come back here, work one or two months before I move to another city.

I need to move at least a month before university starts…ugh, I can’t even think about moving. Sure, I am excited, I have been waiting for university since I moved to the U.K. and it’s finally happening. This is going to be the fourth time that I am moving in the last two years. Yeah, I can’t settle. I am a bit scared of starting from scratch…again! Moving to a big city, starting university, getting a job in another field other than aviation (I only worked in aviation so that scares me even more). I am trying to stop overthinking, this is what I want and what I have been planning for so long. I just feel overwhelmed by the current situation because it’s all happening so fast, I don’t even have time to process it and adjust properly.

I just want everyone to be safe and healthy, physically and mentally.

I want to be able to hug the people that I love and tell them how much they mean to me.

Please stay safe, things will get better!

Here is a picture taken in December just to remind you how beautiful the sky is.

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