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The metamorphosis of my fragile heart

Updated: Oct 25, 2021

Hey Stranger,

This is a letter for you so please, buckle up as this will be a long ride…

I know it’s been a while, but you have been on my mind all the time.

I am taking back my life from everything and everyone that tried to steal it away from me.

This month we were supposed to celebrate 1 year of Lost inside my head but, this is a goodbye letter, at least for now…

My heart is full of sadness for what I am about to do but, I have tried so hard to keep this blog alive. I invested money, time and feelings.

Unfortunately, this website is rubbish! I am supposed to pay again this month for this *premium* joke that doesn’t work, and I don’t want to do it anymore.

I haven’t been able to communicate with any of you for about four months now. A very special person did a trick that allowed you to see my last articles but, chats are still not working, and they might not work this time either.

I made a decision to discontinue paying for this platform. I haven’t been able to find a replacement yet, and I cannot afford investing right now.

I am going through a rough period at the moment. I am still unemployed, although I have an interview today for a 6-month apprenticeship contract with a Law firm, it’s minimum wage but honestly, can I really even complain? That would be the best salary I’ve had since I lost my job in aviation a year go, so please, just wish me good luck.

*update, I got the job and I’m starting in May and I am also going to get my knee injections*

There are many things that I would like to write about because my life is like a tragic comedy. This might be my last article for an unknown period of time, it is not the end of Lost inside my head, but I need a break, I will leave this as a free basic website and I have no idea how this will look like or even work (feel the sarcasm, it doesn’t even work when I paid so much for it). I will mention my email address again: I know you will not contact me and I understand the need for anonymity but, I want you to have something in case you ever want to talk to me about anything. I am here, I will always be.

I really don’t want to write negative things, I will treat this as a phase and try my best to learn from it. Life is really throwing rocks at me, but I will only grow stronger with each strike. I am a warrior and I will never give up, I don’t care how hard it gets but what other option do I have? I have hit rock bottom before, trust me, you can either stay there and hate your life or you can crawl back to the surface. I know how dark the path sometimes seems but, there is light waiting for you.

I am becoming a butterfly and this is my metamorphosis. I am ceasing to be a caterpillar, only that for me, it’s been taking years and months of work and suffering but, I trust the process. What is life without pain? Nothing! Life cannot exist without pain. Just like we can’t really appreciate the good things and happiness without being through hell because, we would probably take everything for granted.

Recently, I have been having daunting thoughts that I am wasting my life, and I am probably also on the wrong path. I have been struggling with law and the desire to continue and embark into a 3-year LLB course after I get this certificate in July.

I had days when I was furious with myself, my lecturer (she’s awful at her job), my university and law in general. I had days when I felt like I am terrible at studying this because I feel like I am not learning anything from classes. Well, that is actually true, I am not learning anything from classes, and I am learning things alone and from home. Somehow I still got pretty good grades and I only had assignments. Considering that I did not even know how to use citations when I wrote my first assignment, I have a distinction grade and so far most of my grades are 2:1 and again, I have 1 class per week, and it’s all self-learning and not LLB. I guess there is still room for hope and improvement. Hopefully, I will get this apprenticeship and I will learn how to practice law a bit and also have a proper training, then I can continue this journey and start my LLB with a fresh pair of eyes and way more knowledge and confidence. I will also start a law blog, I’m still in the planning phase, so I cannot give you any concrete details yet.

One thing is for sure, I am done questioning myself all the time. I am going to go after this degree and become a solicitor. I will start being grateful for all the potential that lies inside me. I can do this, and I will use my actual name and start correcting people when they mess it up because I am done losing my identity and being okay with people giving me stupid nicknames or saying it wrong. I am done coddling people because I don’t want to make them uncomfortable, most of them couldn’t care less if I am uncomfortable.

Enough about this subject now, I think I stated my point pretty clearly, now let’s get to the actual tea.

I am no longer single…

Some time ago, I found the most amazing person. I am not exaggerating when I say that I spent years praying to find someone like him.

We connected straight away. It is like we have been looking for each other our entire lives, and now we are complete. I may sound like an incurable romantic, but I love him with all my heart. We are so similar, and yet we are different, but we want the same things. We both want to have a future together, we are selfless, loving and perfect for each other. There are no red flags, actually there are no flags at all. He gives me this feeling of safety and unconditional love, it simply feels completely right. I am so in love that I can’t even put it into words how happy and loved he makes me feel every single day. He makes me a better person, and he brings out the best of me. He made me cry so many times happy tears… I was so overwhelmed with all the love and support and I have never had this in my life before, I have never been someone’s first and only choice, and he makes me feel seen, I am the most special girl for him. I have been looking for this for so long. When we meet, I had no hope of ever finding true love, I was closer to thinking that I am destined to be always alone, but can you blame me for this? Life has never offered me anything good before him.

I cannot give you many details about him although, he is not only my soulmate but, he is so handsome!!! You guys know that I am quite a tall gal at 5’9”, he is much taller than me, smoking hot, lovely smile, deep blue eyes and my heart goes boom boom all the time because of him. He is perfect, there is absolutely nothing that I would ever change about him. He is the most caring person, he is really intelligent and career driven, and he is so damn good at what he does, he has accomplished so many things with his hard work and we both had to deal with many things growing up, so we share pretty similar opinions about life. I am unbelievably proud of him and I will always be.

He makes me the happiest and for the first time, I know that I am not alone anymore, and I don’t have to carry all the burdens by myself.

My wish for everyone is that one day you will find your soulmate and that day, everything will make sense. There will be no room for doubts, criticism, red flags, jealousy…

Your heart will be completely full of joy and love and, you will just know you met the right person. Don’t lose your hope, your soulmate is probably looking for you on the other side of the world.

You are loved and wonderful, please start believing in yourself.

I have some goals that I want to prioritize:

-fixing my sleep schedule, I want to go sleep earlier, wake up early and have time!

-meditating daily. I have been doing this for a month, and it’s great. I use the app called Balance. It’s not available for android yet but if you have an iPhone, you get a 1-year free membership.

-writing down gratitude thoughts and repeating positive affirmations daily.

-being physically active daily, doesn’t have to be a workout specifically, but I want to move my body and be mindful about my food choices.

-keeping myself accountable and practice self-love.

-studying a bit every day to avoid procrastination and focus on my life and all my dreams.

-I want to enjoy my life because next month I turn 22 and so far, I haven’t enjoyed much of my youth.

From now on, I will start counting my blessings more than I count my difficult experiences because my perspective can change everything.

This is a really long article, and it’s just so hard to say goodbye…

I promise that this is temporary, I will find my way back to writing. This community has been my second family and I can’t even describe how grateful I am for all of you. You have showed me nothing but continuous support and lots of love. Thank you for being here for me, thank you for taking the time to read my articles and send me such beautiful messages. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have talked to fantastic people thanks to this platform and I formed friendships that are priceless. I have nothing but love and respect for all of you.

I will miss you and I will miss writing, but I will be back. Please, don’t forget about me, we will be in touch soon.

In the meantime, may your lives be filled with happiness and love.

Take care!

If you haven’t had the chance to read my February article, give it a go. It’s called ‘Life, such a paradox...’

Here is the link

#goodbye #selflove #tough #life #inspiration

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