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Lost inside my head-Christmas Edition

Updated: Feb 12, 2021

Hello stranger!

Merry Christmas!!! Hope everyone is doing well, and you are keeping safe!

My blog is finally working (again) and guys, oh my God, 3 of my articles reached over 1000 views, especially the last one that has over 1200 views. You guys are incredible, and you have been my constant rock and second family. I wouldn’t be here without you so thank you so much for everything. I read all your Christmas messages, they were so sweet and a lot more than what I received from people that actually know me in real life. You have no idea how much you all mean to me! This is my final article for 2020, and I am planning to leave all the bad experiences and pain behind. I will start the new year with a new mindset and I will go after everything I deserve. No more tolerating things that make me unhappy, no more lowering my standards, no more shitty people in my life!

By the way, considering that many people told me they tried to message me many times, but it was not working, I will start including in every article the email address I created for this blog so everyone can contact me. Please feel free to save it:

This post will be about a few things so hold tight.

I have not been doing well, pretty much at all! It’s been hard as hell! There you go, honesty and transparency.

So, let’s really start.

  1. I cannot put up with this job anymore. I know I’m in Scotland but guys, I am genuinely offended by the ‘room’ I got here. It’s the smallest one, it’s in the tower, absolutely no door and spiral and narrow stairs that are messing up my knees, and they are very dangerous. I’m a 5’9” gal, right? Those stairs can be used by someone who is a lot shorter than me. I hit my head so hard on Christmas Eve night that I thought I have a concussion. I was dizzy and couldn’t see properly for some time. Right, back at this ‘room’, I have no chair, no light (I have a lamp instead), no radiator (just a small heater), my clothes are in a bag because there is no space. The bed is tiny and the mattress is so hard, like seriously, do people think I can comfortably fit in a kid’s bed? Am I a joke to everyone? The first thing that happened to me when I saw this shoe box was to feel claustrophobic. I’m not claustrophobic, so you can understand how messed up this is. Also, these people have been screaming every single night, loud like nobody else is here, like I don’t exist at all. I already have problems with my sleep, now I’ll stay up even later than before, and I have to put my earphones so loud to cover them. They make me feel like a cheap and dispensable maid. When I told my mom, she started crying, and I almost cried a few times too. London went into tier 4 lockdown when I got to Scotland and now Scotland just went into tier 4 as well so our stay might be prolonged. I absolutely don’t want that. My room in London is tiny, and it used to be the kid’s room but the one in Scotland is a quarter of what I have there. It’s honestly horrible. I just want to leave this job and bloody find something else but this is so hard. What jobs could I even find with such a strict lockdown? Where? I cannot even go home to fix my braces. Not even going to talk about how they bought some cheap gloves for me just like they bought for the housekeeper. Maybe I haven’t mentioned it to you but she is the main reason why I cannot sleep in London, I made major problems with her although I was always nice, and she is incredibly inconsiderate, she was making noises even when I was in class and my mic was on because I was talking.

  2. The course that I’m still paying for in order to become a Personal Trainer is a full-scam! I tried doing their nutrition course at least and guess what? They promote dieting as in: you need to cut this completely, start a detox, eat 1500 kcal. Like what the hell? I have been suffering from Bulimia since I was 12. I will not promote anything like this! I am finally trying to find a balance with food and I will not mess this up. They made my course 6 months shorter because they offered me a promotional discount in May. I tried to see how much an extension would cost, and they said that I’ll have to pay monthly, but they don't know how much. This is such a huge red flag. All lessons are full of medical things, and I’m talking about heavy theory. There is a full book to complete for each module and pay extra fees to submit it. The worst part of everything? I’ve just realized that they block everyone who leaves a bad feedback on Trustpilot so either a good review or fake reviews. I’m really upset. I wasted more than 6 months on this crap. I had to invest in another course with another company and in 2 days I covered half of the first module for Level 2 because I studied everything already. I love the way it’s structured and the explanations are interactive and easy to follow. Wish me luck, I really need it!

  3. My braces broke and there is no freaking way to fix them in London! Why? Let’s just say I can’t afford to pay like £500 to get 2 wires fixed and guess what? I don’t even make £500 a month. So I really don’t make money, therefore I don’t qualify to pay taxes. Yeah, ridiculous. Remember when I applied for universal credit? I kinda got in trouble with them after I told them I have a ‘job’. Now they consider I was overpaid, and I need to give them some money back. Apparently I am only entitled to receive £40 a month. How? God knows, I will have to use my bursary.

  4. On Black Friday I paid for a SheCodes course in order to learn the basics of coding. This is actually legit, and I’ve already started it. It’s supposed to last 3 weeks if I only do 5 hours of work every week but obviously I can finish it earlier. I am definitely planning to do that. I’ve already updated my resume. I will get the ‘Introduction to Coding’ certificate and next year I will definitely continue with the other courses too in order to become a Front End Developer. You heard that right! I am tired of everything, and she’s definitely tired of constantly working for others and being underpaid.

  5. My knees are getting worse. My appointment was a fiasco. The doctor was rude, he forced my knee quite hard, and I was limping. Besides that, my left knee (which is supposed to be my healthier knee) keeps getting locked, and I cannot straighten it. Physiotherapy isn’t doing much, they don’t want to talk about injections or surgery, so they made me another MRI appointment in bloody February.

  6. Thanks for everything, I have finally moved on.

Anyway, let’s talk about 2021 goals.

-I want to be happy!

-I want to start every single day with meditation and write down positive affirmations.

-I want to go for long walks, exercise and eat healthy.

-I want to start saying ‘No’ more often.

-I want to explore new places and really meet new people.

-I want to enjoy studying and get a part-time job.

-I want to start dating again.

-I want to truly enjoy being alive.

I hope everyone will make a list of goals. Let's smash 2021, it's time to be happy!

May you all have happy holidays. I love you all with all my heart and thank you again for everything. I wouldn’t have been here without all your support.

Take care!

Loch Lomond, Scotland, 2020.

#progress #personalblog #anxiety #strengh #love

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