Life, such a paradox...


Hey stranger,

How are you?


I know it's been quite a long time due to the same technical issues, but the blog is working now, hopefully the chat box will work soon. If it still doesn’t work, remember that you can always send me something on email: lost.insidemyhead21@gmail.com

A wonderful person helped me, and I am so damn grateful. I would like to write about this wonderful person soon because he makes my heart melt and I have no words to describe how grateful I am to have found him. Maybe love is real after all…

I’ve missed writing so much, I missed this lovely community, I tried to work on a new design for the blog, so I hope you like it. I won't deny, it does upset me that my platform is going through this all the time, I need to do something and find a better website.

I feel overwhelmed by having 1000+ views in one day.

I’ve missed talking to you guys! You always make me feel like I'm not alone and I can share everything here…

I have never been judged on this blog, you are my second family, and it breaks my heart thinking that I can't communicate with you or post what's going on anymore.

I am home now, I was in quarantine and I did another test to make sure I'm fine, and I can get out faster (rather unnecessary because I stayed inside anyway). I had 3 tests done in the last two weeks, and they were all negative. I can’t seem to find any motivation to leave the house. It’s mandatory to wear a mask on the street here which makes things easier for me, I don’t want people to see me.

So, I just had my braces removed! It feels so strange! This was a hard decision considering that I didn’t have them checked for 7 months and I didn’t finish my treatment but, I have no idea when I can come home again. My orthodontist was quite disappointed that I didn’t finish the treatment but still impressed that my smile looks great. He said I was very close to finishing the treatment, but he understands the situation. Not only it was ridiculously expensive to get them checked and fixed in London but also, nobody wanted to see me. I will have retainers now, and he suggested I got an extra pair just in case, so I won’t have to pay a lot in the U.K. if something happens. Overall, it was expensive here too *sad sight*. I have no idea when I return to the U.K., I will try to stay one more month home for another consult with the orthodontist. Of course, nothing is settled because I might get a job, and then I need to return as soon as possible. I will need another test and then to quarantine as well. Pretty inconvenient.

Job wise, so far, radio silence! I applied to 50+ jobs probably and nothing. I don’t want to think about this now.

Most of the time I’m hurting, and yet I walk around pretending that I am okay. I have not been okay for months now…

I am becoming pretty good at hiding how I feel, including from myself. I suppose I can’t afford to feel my world crumbling, but there are days when I can’t keep pretending everything is okay.

Yesterday, I spent half of the day feeling down and crying. Nothing in particular happened, I got upset with my mom over something small, I only slept 4 hours, my dentist annoyed me, but that crying session was long due anyway. A lot of frustration was being bottled up, I have been ignoring everything that I have been feeling lately. I was scared of facing my feeling, I was scared of feeling vulnerable like this. The worst part is when you can’t keep your guard up anymore, the pain comes all at once, and it’s dangerous.

I don’t like being a hypocrite, I keep writing about how I want to get better and hold myself accountable, but the truth is, I only wrote about it. I lacked motivation even to leave my bed or eat. I have been letting myself down in such a way that I am ashamed. I tried to force myself to be productive, to engage with life. I have been a shadow of my old self, but you can’t change things unless you open yourself up, recognize the pattern and let the pain, sadness and rage go away. I have been hurting, and I tried to put a bandage on it hoping it will heal by itself.

Isolation, procrastination and desperation, this is how I could describe my last 3 months. I feel constantly exhausted, I am absent, and I am even taking Xanax now at night (not daily). Bless my country for something, I guess…

I was expecting it to actually work on me but surprise, same old story. What is wrong with my body? Am I some kind of alien?

I also bought Tretinoin here, and I can’t get in the U.K. so I will be working on that flawless skin because lately my skin has been constantly upset. It always happens to me when I go through stressful periods, I’ve been having a rash on my body too and when I feel worse than usual, it flares up. I am taking an antibiotic for it.

Knee wise, nothing is happening. I am pretty disappointment and I haven’t been working out pretty much at all.

I wrote a schedule on a paper to force myself to regain that healthy habit. We all know how hard it is, toxic habits are always fucked up.

I just wanted to mention a few things that I’ve realized I’ve been taking for granted:

-the ability to easily brush your teeth!

-being able to wake up whenever I want and sleep more!

-quietness.

-my old room.

-being able to stay in pyjamas the whole day.

-talking to people that actually want to listen to me.

-smiling.

That’s all for now. Remember to have faith in yourself, and you are not alone. Just like the rain, the pain will go away too.

Love you!



I couldn't find the person that wrote this, but it's beautiful.


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