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It's time to toughen up!

Hi Stranger!

How are you? How has life been treating you lately?

I must start by saying that I am very happy that the blog is finally letting me receive messages again, I really missed talking to you guys! We are again close to 900 views, so I hope they won’t mess up the website again!

My life has been a series of existential questions. What am I doing? Why am I doing certain things? This is a very long article so please eat some popcorn while reading!

Let’s start by sharing the good news, they aren’t many but still, considering how disastrous November was, this is clearly a step forward.

My university loan problem has finally been solved. It only took like three months of weekly calling them and getting annoyed and frustrated. I asked my former landlord, I’ll say it again he is a close friend, and he is like a father figure to me, to handle the situation and call Student Finance on my behalf. No idea what he did, he fixed the problem in one day after they repeatedly told me that my application has been approved and I will shortly receive the loan and literally the next day, they sent me a loan entitlement letter saying that I won’t receive any money and that it’s my responsibility to pay the university! Now, just think about all the stress, I literally lost my temper and I let someone else handle it, my university account also got partially blocked. Everything is fine now; this is just an example that sometimes it’s okay to let someone else help you. I tried doing it by myself, but I didn’t have the right approach because I was too nice and tolerant with them. Like the title says, it’s really time to toughen up!

My first university assignment didn’t receive the best grade but apparently, it’s actually s great beginning, I am just used to more. The second assignment scored more, surprisingly, but I made the same mistakes because I had two assignments in a row and I received the first grade after I submitted the second one so yeah, not the best but now at least I know. I have ten days left to finish my personal statement into order to progress onto the LLB next year and I need to send it to my personal tutor first and then, I have until the 15th of January to submit it through UCAS. If you are from the U.K., you know what I am talking about. I think it’s supposed to be 600 words, but I asked more than once and nobody told me (yeah, I know). Nevertheless, I wrote 505 words so far, I will ask again to make sure if it’s 600 and send it this week. I only have one assignment left which I have to submit until mid-December, and I need to write 900 words (ahm, chuckle, it’s easy to write long articles for my blog but law is so damn difficult, especially online).

My braces broke, again! It’s really not surprising, I haven’t had them fixed since July…

The worst part is that I cannot get them done here because it’s too expensive and I don’t make enough money (I will write about this shortly too). I cannot go home because they might close the damn borders again so the family that I am working for is going to Scotland for ten days to celebrate Christmas, and I am going with them. I am sure I am actually working pretty much the whole time, so I really hope I will be paid double. Another Christmas working…

Speaking about this job! There is no actual way that I can do it for a year! I am losing my mind! Do you even know why I cannot sleep anymore? It’s always so loud and chaotic, and I am stuck in this tiny room that should not even be called an actual room because it’s not suitable for an adult. I am slowly becoming claustrophobic and I genuinely hate it! Don’t get me wrong, of course I am grateful to have a job in such uncertain times, but I simply can’t do this much longer. My sleep wasn’t this bad when I was flying and now, I have a prescription for sleeping pills! They don’t even work, at all! My doctor just prescribed me anxiety pills, mostly because my heart is racing, even when I am sleeping, my heart rate is at 80 or even 90. This is not normal, and this is definitely not healthy!

Do you know how I feel right now? It seems and feels like all the progress I’ve made this year is slowly vanishing. I AM NOT OKAY! It’s okay to write that in capitals because I cannot scream, I am always silent in this house.

They are good people, and they treat me nicely but it’s such a terrible idea to live in the same house that you have to work in! Trust me on this, there is no line between personal and work life, it’s all blurry! I know that being an Au pair means that you don’t pay rent or pay for food, but I am really not making money, not even £500 monthly and I have expenses and courses that I am paying for. I thought I could save up, but I was wrong. I am used to working hard but also earning something that at the end of the month I can put aside for my savings.

I am not sleeping properly; I have no place to go and meet people, so I have no friends in London despite moving here in August and I don’t make enough money either. This was supposed to be a clean slate, but it really feels like a cage.

Good news, the vaccine is coming! I will force myself to try and stay until February because now it’s not the best time to change jobs and in the meanwhile, I will focus on preparing myself more. I need to focus on university, my PT courses (yeah, plural, I will write about this next time but it’s mostly a scam and a big disappointment) and on preparing myself for a new interview. I want to try and work as a library assistant. They offer decent hours, silence and a great salary.

The only thing I feel truly guilty of is abandoning the cat. He loves me so much, and he is literally my shadow and sleeps only next to me. We cuddle all the time and I really don’t want to leave him, but I have no choice, I really need to put myself first because guess what, I am losing it and I’ve come too far to let myself go like this! No job is worth losing yourself!

One more thing, I was supposed to have my next appointment with the doctor to check my knees in March but, because physiotherapy isn’t exactly working and my left knee had days of being locked and I felt it almost twisting like it happened in February, well, my appointment is now scheduled for this upcoming week! Wish me luck, I really hope they will consider putting me on the waiting list for knee injections and then consider the bloody surgery! I can’t keep going on like this!

I had a few meltdowns this week so two nights ago I was randomly crying on the floor in my room for like 10 minutes, I just needed to let it out and remember who the hell I am! It’s perfectly okay if you aren’t always okay and it’s even better if you have the courage to admit it to yourself and those around you! Life is made of struggles, but I prefer to look at them as lessons. This is just a way of becoming stronger, and I am grateful!

There we go, over 1000 words article written so easily! Wish me luck with my assignment because it takes me forever to write.

Love you and take care!

#London #update #life #chaos #anxiety #problems #honesty

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