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It’s okay if you are not always okay!

Hi Stranger! How are you today? It’s 1 am but you know the drill. So, I am officially in London! I am sorry I couldn’t reply to many messages sent in the last two or three days but I wouldn’t get the notifications, the internet was also bad... I find it a bit frustrating that you won’t see my replies if you are not online but everything has a price, including anonymity. Anyhow, the house is huge, modern, there is a treadmill in the living room but it’s so hot inside! There are two lovely cats and I can totally say that they love me already! I love them too, I missed having pets. The family is on holiday for three weeks so it's just me, and I am so lucky that I will be paid for this time. I still haven’t finished unpacking. I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed, sad, tired and even physically sick. Thank you anxiety for visiting! Food... I haven’t eaten properly, a bit of comfort food here and there, I barely pushed myself to cook something. I have been sleeping around 5 hours per night in the last days. Absolutely no motivation to do anything. My body dysmorphia has been acting up too... It’s okay, I just want you to know that I am a real person. Despite my accomplishments, I still get bad days, sometimes it’s just one, sometimes more. Guys, remember that you can’t control how you feel, you can try to improve your mood, cheer yourself up, stay busy, whatever you want but take a break from time to time. Feelings are just visitors, like those unpleasant relatives that you still have to meet and tolerate until they go. Keep the door open. I am strong, capable, smart, independent. Things are going well for me right now but I want to be honest, it’s not easy. It can definitely overwhelm you sometimes and it’s okay. It’s okay if today you can’t give your 100% or you just don’t feel like doing anything. Listen to your body! Packing was so hard and exhausting! I lived in that house for over a year and I always felt safe and appreciated there but 2019 was a bad and unlucky year! So bad that I attended three free CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) group sessions. I couldn’t speak up but I listened carefully. I was so depressed! That void inside me was slowly consuming my life. I won’t go into details right now but last year I bought many things! I wanted to fill that void somehow. It didn’t help but for an instance it made me feel less alone! Most of those things are really useful but I forgot about them until I started to pack and oh my, I had so many bags!!! The truth is that buying things won’t help you fill your emotional void! You have to deal with your problems, you have to give yourself the chance to feel, embrace and forgive! I figured that many things and clothes that I was somehow attached to, simply couldn’t follow me on this new path. I had to let them go. Decluttering my room was a nightmare but I ended up having four big donation bags full of clothes, shoes and other items. I am very happy with the outcome! Unfortunately, I won’t be able to donate them personally but the charity will pick them up. Also, I need to make a list of things that I won’t have to buy again for a few months. I need to learn how to have a simple life. Of course, I will always have bags because my life is here in the U.K., it’s not a holiday but I don’t need so many things. I encourage you to donate, anything can help someone in need. I have few more things to share with you. I just made an appointment to donate blood. The closest date was the 24th, but I am excited. I have tiny veins that can be barely seen and I usually feel pain and get ugly bruises but this is for a greater cause. My MRI results were sent to the surgery, but they said I will have a telephone appointment in a month. Ugh, like I am waiting, and I am a bit stressed about this! I have been in pain and I don’t want to wait for so long just for a phone call, so I will try to call them next week. I received my student ID and it looks so nice! It’s a decent picture, and they didn’t ruin it. I can’t say the same about my provisional driving licence which finally came two days ago. They ruined the picture completely with dark tones and I honestly look like I am in prison. So not happy about it but I know it can be changed. I will just give it a rest for now. London Eye is 1-hour walk from this house like wow, okay, I am going! I need to change my GP, I need some blood tests because my hair is falling like there is no tomorrow, and I am seriously concerned. I am lucky I have a lot of hair and it’s thick but what if it starts showing? Do you have any suggestions? Today I woke up feeling a bit more motivated, so I will try to finish my room, study for two hours and then go to the park for a walk. I will listen to some positive affirmations and try some yoga. Things do get better but hang in there. Love you and take care! This is my hair, it's natural and I took this picture in 2017. I really don't want to lose it!

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