Updated: Jun 23, 2020
This article is for you, for the person that thinks she/he isn’t enough.
The purpose of this blog is to document a journey, one that leads to healing and self-love.
Let’s talk about you. Let’s talk about your feelings.
Are you okay? Are you sleeping enough? Are you taking care of yourself? Are you appreciating your life? Is anything bothering you?
Sometimes these can be such uncomfortable questions, especially when you can’t really talk to those around you because you don’t know how to…
Faking it is so easy but it’s also the enemy. The more you deny your pain, the more you lie to yourself and start being a stranger in your own life.
Shouldn’t we try to be more than that?
I know you feel tired, hopeless, alone… Maybe I don’t know how you are feeling exactly because I can’t compare my past experiences with your past or present, I just know how I felt and I want to be here for you.
I am here to remind you that you aren’t alone, it may sound unrealistic but it is true. You can share your thoughts here and someone will care, I will care.
I will listen, I will try to support you. I will be the friend you need.
I will be the person I wish I had in my darkest moments but never actually had.
How did I get out of the darkness?
I kept thinking about life. What’s the point of calling yourself ‘alive’ if you aren’t actually living?
All I wanted was to feel like myself again… I couldn’t even remember anymore how it felt like.
I could put a smile on my face and yet feel the emptiness inside me.
I remember that when I wasn’t flying and I was home, I wouldn’t leave my room, I wouldn’t change in other clothes, I would eat in my room and leave the dishes on my desk until I could finally force myself to go to the kitchen and clean them…
I remember feeling nothing.
Do you know how hard it was for me to admit that I was becoming a shadow of my former self? I would look in the mirror and feel disgusted, I couldn’t recognise myself…
Loneliness hits you a lot harder when you don’t even have yourself…
It wasn’t easy, at all! I had to force myself to get out of my comfort zone.
I have started with baby steps: get out of the bed, take a shower, remove your Pjs and put some clothes on, wash your face, brush your hair.
Silly, right? These are normal things for most people, I know. They were automatic actions when I was going to work but it was so hard to do them just for myself.
They can be such difficult tasks for someone who is depressed. I kept pushing myself every day until it started to feel natural and normal again.
Since January 2020 I have tried to do almost every day something new, I am really talking about things that could seem insignificant. Rearrange your books or desk, try 5 minutes of yoga, close your eyes, take a deep breath and thank yourself for everything, try styling your hair differently, cook a new dish, change your ringtone. Break out of monotony!
For months I avoided writing in my diary because I was afraid to face my feelings and pain. I knew everything would hit me like an avalanche. I cowardly tried to ignore what my heart was desperately screaming.
Writing comes easy and feels natural now but it was such a burden for a long time, I just couldn’t do it.
Now after I wake up, I open my window, I tidy my room and it literally takes 5-10 minutes because I do it on a daily basis and then I start my morning self-care routine.
It feels good, it feels relaxing.
Honestly, it feels great to get your shit together! I keep my room clean and organised and I feel like I am in control of my own life. I appreciate things more!
I am obviously still working on it but constantly pushing myself to change my toxic habits, writing basic checklists that needed to be followed, all of this did really help!
Sometimes I find myself smiling for no reason and I feel joy. I feel excited about the future, I am excited to plan things. I call this real progress!
I do feel alive now! I wanted to find myself again and surprise, I am discovering a new side of me, one that loves herself!
I hope you find that too!
I hope you find yourself!