It’s been a long time…
I am not sure if anyone noticed that last time I posted was a month ago but I have missed you all, and I hope you are well and safe.
January was a bit tough, I must admit. I was quite sick for over two weeks, and I am still not well, just better than before.
I was really debating what I should write about, my head has been a bit fuzzy lately, back at having trouble sleeping most of the time…
Today I want to talk about self esteem.
I have noticed so many changes in my behaviour, the way that I talk to myself and others, the way I react to what’s happening around me…
These are the best type of changes.
I remember the way I used to be growing up, the self hatred, the doubts, the way I could be kind to others but never to myself.
It feels like it was an eternity ago…
I certainly wasted years not being able to see myself at all. I used to think that I am a negative person and I will never be able to change.
I used to blame myself for everything, but the truth is, kids don’t automatically start being negative just like that.
Everything starts from what you see and hear in your home.
Nobody ever believed in me. Most the the words and compliments I have received were backhanded such as ‘You have a beautiful body but you’d look better if you legs were thinner, your hips weren’t so round, you booty wasn’t so big…’, ‘Your life would be so much better if you weren’t so smart.’, ‘You’d be so much better if you were nicer, talked like this, acted like this, dressed like this.’, ’Stop dreaming so much, you aren’t good enough for that…’, ‘You need to stop talking back, it won’t get you anymore. Just be nice and smile!’, even my mom used to ask me why I can’t be like other kids.
I heard so many things so much throughout the years that I believed them, I was just a kid after all, always trying my best, always putting others first but never myself.
I remember even high school, I wasn’t allowed to wear certain clothes, I wasn’t allowed to go out much, even during the day. Even if I wanted to buy some make-up or clothes, I couldn’t afford them and I didn’t have much pocket money. I couldn’t ask my mom because she was always telling me that she doesn’t have much, so I was the kid that learned that I shouldn’t ask anyway and I shouldn’t have needs. I became the child that nobody had to worry about, the one that was so ‘mature’ for her age.
I used to see my colleagues going out, even if I was invited, I couldn’t go or stay out much because I already had to look after an old woman that I was living with and she used to treat me like a maid. The first two years of high school I had afternoon classes, I would finish at 7-8 pm, I would have to study after but this woman was not mentally stable and she was very strict. I couldn’t keep the light on to study because she would tell me that she has to pay more because of me so I used my phone’s flash to study. I had to clean her house every day and deep clean it during the weekends too. After some time, I had to start cooking, feeding her and much more since she became pretty much bed ridden...
I remember how miserable I used to feel but nobody believed it.
I honestly didn’t want to talk about it but I feel like it’s important. I won’t go into too many details but it really affected me. I didn’t have a choice and I was drowning…
Honestly, I hated myself. I hated my life, my body, my face, my mind…
I used to pray to be someone else. I swear I could feel my soul shattering.
When my knees got so bad that I had to stop practicing sports, that’s when my mental health started getting worse because the only thing that used to bring me some comfort was taken away from me. Everyone made comments about my body, doctors body shamed me more, I started starving myself, punishing myself even more.
All I wanted was to be accepted and to fit in. I even started to play dumb around people, even if I knew things I was just saying ‘I don’t know’, because it was easier than being told ‘You are a such a nerd, you are boring.’
I tried so hard to change who I am because those around me couldn’t accept me. I hurt myself, I accepted to be treated like hell because I was used to be treated like this and I thought that this is what I deserved.
When I finished high school at 18, I didn’t want to stay in my home town. I said no to having a monthly scholarship and free university, because I wanted to be as far away as possible from home so I went to the capital. I didn’t have much of a choice with what I was studying because my family wasn’t supportive of psychology and I was told that I can only do it when I have my own money. Of course, I already wrote about this in previous articles and you know that I dropped out after almost a year. I wanted to get away completely, go to another country but I knew that I couldn’t afford studying. So I had to start working, my social anxiety was so bad but I became a flight attendant after being laughed at by family and former friends that they wouldn’t never hire me because of my body. I prepared myself a lot and I nailed the interview without any work experience, I had one thing in mind that kept me going: I had to leave.
I never failed an interview because I always know how to become the type of person that companies might need. However, the problem is that I wasn’t what I needed. I was too busy trying to please others hoping that they will stop criticising me so harshly.
Just like that, I let myself go ever more.
Nobody teaches you the most important lesson in life, and that is that you shouldn’t be afraid of losing people but of losing yourself. People come and go and this will never change, but what do you do when you lose yourself?
I stayed in the U.K. for so long overworking and being underpaid. Why? Because I’ve known for years that there is no future waiting for me in my home country and I was too scared that I will be forced to return home so, failure was not an option…
I wanted to give up again and again, I was tired of being bullied and even publicly humiliated in front of my coworkers more than once, but my mom used to tell me that if I’m not capable of working and I keep complaining, I should just return home and I will have a failed life and work with her in a factory, after all, I wasn’t capable of finishing my university degree and I wanted to leave.
So I kept going, sleep deprivation and long shifts…
Sometimes, after night shifts, I would come home and then cry on the floor but I couldn’t quit, I couldn’t afford it.
It only ended when they made me redundant.
I used to think that I can’t hit rock bottom again and then life would throw me into a deeper hole. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel was just getting harder and harder…
I had nobody but myself.
This isn’t some type of depressing article, bur recalling the past helps me see how much I’ve changed.
I want you to understand that this blog really helped overcome the darkest times.
I finally had someone to talk to, someone to send me some kind words when I needed them the most…
Someone finally believed in me, someone was finally there for me.
I will always be grateful to all the people that have been constantly checking on me from the moment I’ve started posting. Thank you for never judging me and for all your support.
Thank you for teaching me that I don’t need to change in order to be accepted and loved.
April 2020 changed my life! This blog changed my life!
My self esteem has been gradually growing and improving. I’ve started seeing life differently and appreciating everything.
Feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin started making me smile, and the sky became the most amazing work of art I’ve ever seen.
Finally, I stopped keeping my head down and I started to feel alive. I felt like tomorrow can bring me more than just sorrow…
I made a promise saying that I believe I can also write positive things and share about my healing journey. I’ve kept my word and I always will.
Life is full of ups and downs and indeed, 2021 wasn’t that kind to me but it taught me many things and I’ve definitely unlocked a new level of strength.
I stopped clinging onto people that made me feel like I am hard to love and I am not enough. There is beauty in letting go of what’s not good for you and doesn’t help you grow.
Surround yourself with people that are happy to see you achieving new milestones and stop ignoring those red flags. Choose actions over words.
I believe in myself now and I know that no matter what happens, I will always get through it.
Learning how to put myself first hasn’t been easy but it’s really rewarding.
I don’t hate looking in a mirror anymore, I am not afraid of going out and hiding my face with makeup and my body with baggy clothes. I am not afraid of keeping my head up and saying ‘no’.
My boundaries are not negotiable and I am not afraid of walking away.
I am no longer willing to sacrifice my peace of mind for anything. Trust me, there is a high price for that, which I paid it before and I can assure you that it is not worth it.
I AM NO LONGER SETTLING!
I am going after everything that I truly want, leaving self doubt behind because the truth is that self doubt really kept me from becoming the person that I want to be, but no more.
You don’t need someone to tell you that you are special, you need to start believing it yourself first. Look in the mirror, you are the saviour that you’ve been waiting for!
Understand that you deserve so much better and you are more than enough!
Create the life of your dreams, your competition isn’t someone else but yourself.
Right now, I have choices, and I intend to get the most out of them.
I was offered a job that I don’t want to have and I turned it down. I might not be striving financially right now, but I am trying to study something and finish some more courses.
For the first time, I am truly trying to put myself and my needs first. I want to be able to focus 100% on something because I am tired of temporary jobs that bring me no satisfaction or financial security. I want a career and it won’t happen if I don’t work for it.
I want to start living, not just surviving. Life is too short to constantly worry about what tomorrow might bring…
It's my time to be happy!
People will always doubt you but please, don't listen to them. Don't let them take your voice away.
Your light is stronger than the darkness around you.
Today's song: https://youtu.be/e8CZO3xA8jU
Hope you enjoy it.