Dear old me…
How are you? I hope life is treating you well.
I know it’s been three weeks since I last posted, but the blog was down. If you’ve been reading my blog since 2020, then you know how it is. Like the Russian roulette, some days you might be lucky, some are no luck. Let’s hope it works now…
I have too many thoughts and ideas and it just seems hard to filter them now. I am dealing with some family issues and, to be honest, this reminds me why I left my country in first place.
Let’s talk about boundaries and gaslighting.
There are so many things I wish I could talk about now but I guess I am not ready yet. Digging into my past brings to surface so many wounds that still need to heal.
I wish someone told me how lonely and isolating your healing journey can be…
I have a confession to make, I have always seen the red flags but I was afraid of being alone so I tried to act like I am blind.
I was raised in certain manner that conditioned me to believe that I am not good enough, that if I don’t change the way I am people will leave me because my personality is ‘off-putting’. ‘You are too much!’, ‘You are too mature.’, ‘All you care about is studying.’, You are so uptight.’, ‘Why don’t you want to go out? You are no fun.’, ‘Nobody cares about that.’, ‘You are so weird.’, ‘You are antisocial!’, ‘You would look better if you lost some weight.’ ‘Put some make-up on!’, ‘You are so negative!’, ‘Why can’t you act like a normal girl?’, ‘Your thighs are thick. Thigh gaps look much better!’.
These are some of the things that I kept hearing growing up, for now I will keep the truly painful ones for myself. I don’t think it’s the time to write about certain subjects yet, but I will some day.
You see, I was so scared to be alone that I tolerated people to say such things to me again and again. I used to have friends that were mocking me even when I was right in front of them, literally. People that were also making fun of me behind my back. This was also the time when my eating disorder got so bad that I was barely having a meal a day and that was mostly a salad. I became so thin that my ribcage was so visible, my cheekbones were really accentuated, all my clothes were loose. I was getting anonymous messages telling me that I am lying to everyone that I lost weight because I am still a fat c*w, I mean, there is more but I don’t really want to write about it.
Words hurt and they have consequences, it hurts even more when they come from family and people you love.
The worst part is: I had never problems with my weight! I was fit and strong but it didn’t match the beauty standards that my country still has even today. People told me that my hips are ‘too wide’, and if I could make them smaller, I’d look good.
Let me tell you the actual truth about my body: I have an hourglass body shape! I have the curves that now became a trend and so many people pay ridiculous amount of money to get them surgically.
I deleted most of my high school pictures when I had a meltdown, and I always avoided taking pictures of my body, even my social media had only a few pictures of my face. However, I kept 2-3 pictures and I was so thin, I was starting to be fragile from overexercising and undereating…
My mother told me many times that nobody would like me if I don’t make my butt smaller. What a stupid thing to say! She said far too many hurtful things that cross many limits…
At the time, I truly believed it. I covered all the mirrors in the house because I couldn’t stand seeing my face and body. I hurt myself physically and emotionally.
Too many times I was crying on the floor, wishing I could be someone else, I was ashamed of myself. I hated myself! I was living in the false reality created by others.
I was slowly fading away but nobody cared…
I had no emotional support from my family, I could never say how I felt or I would be yelled at.
Too many times I wished someone could give me a hug and tell me that I am enough and everything will be okay…
If I received a compliment, I couldn’t believe it anymore. I felt like someone said it to me out of pity. Of course, people called me an attention seeker.
I said it many times but compliments can’t really do much if when you look in the mirror, you hate what you see.
Throughout the years I lost and gained weight drastically. I pushed my body so much that even today is still affecting my metabolism…
I wish someone told me when I was younger that you can reach that ‘weight goal’ and it will still do nothing. Maybe you will feel proud for a few days, then it will feel like you should lose more weight, new insecurities will surface, nothing will ever be enough. You will still be unhappy!
The truth is, the weight was never the actual problem. Your perception of yourself was/is.
Have you ever actually acknowledged what your body does for you? Have you ever appreciated it? Your body is your home! Your body has been there for you from the moment you were born! You are so much more than a number on a scale. Weight comes and goes, it’s not something permanent and it’s definitely not something you should use to ‘measure’ your value and beauty!
Learn to love you your body through all the changes.
Even few days ago my mom yelled at me: Can’t you see that you’ve gained weight? You aren’t taking care of yourself at all.
Hearing things like this from a parent hurts. I am also not blind, I can see. However, I randomly gained weight right after Scotland. I was barely eating, I wasn’t sleeping.
I have been through so much this year! From that night, insomnia and starting to use Xanax, dysregulated nervous system, my iron levels dropped randomly very close to anemia, debilitating migraines, high cortisol, my knee pain increased to the point that I could barely stand or walk sometimes, almost dying few months ago, diagnosed with depression and PTSD.
PTSD is also linked to excessive weight gain, especially when it comes to women.
I will cut myself some slack. I didn’t gain weight because I was eating all the time like my mom thinks. This year has been a bloody rollercoaster but my mom knows nothing about it. I fixed my sleep now and I can sleep even 8-9h per night without medication, my iron is back at normal levels and so is my cortisol, I don’t get migraines that often now, my nervous system is no longer stuck on fight-or-flight mode, I don’t have breakdowns often, I am no longer constantly angry, I moved out of that madhouse, my PTSD symptoms seem pretty much non-existent nowadays. I took care of everything by myself and I am committed to continue with therapy. One of the best choices I have ever made, you need to start investing in yourself!
Despite everything, this year has made me stronger than ever. I noticed how many people just enjoyed seeing me down and I cut them off.
I know too many people mistook my kindness for weakness. I certainly gave too many chances but when I am done, I don’t turn the page anymore, I burn the book.
I am empathetic and a giver, but I learned the hard way that takers have no limit.
I am prioritising myself now and for the first time, I am putting myself first. My opinion about myself matters more than petty remarks others make. It’s so easy to hurt someone, however I hope you make the wise choice and realise that causing pain to someone else isn’t going to make anything better.
Sometimes it’s necessary to tell people to f*ck off and just walk away.
P.S. I have thick thighs so I can crash skulls if I want to. I am kidding, or maybe not.
Dear mom, I love my body, I love my curves, I love my big butt and my boyfriend loves me exactly the way I am.
Dear old me, I owe you the biggest apology!
I know that nothing can change what I did in the past and how I talked to you.
My boundaries are non-negotiable now, I won’t allow others to gaslight me anymore. I don’t need anyone’s validation to feel good and proud of myself.
I spent years completely alone, no family, no friends, no help. Guess what, I love my company. I can look in the mirror now and love what I see no matter the weight. I compliment myself all the time, not just for my physical appearance but also for my character and mind.
I can’t go back in time and change things, but I can keep learning and healing. I will protect my authentic self at all costs and nobody else will shape my reality again.
Dear old me, please forgive me for all the pain that I caused you!
You have always been more than enough! You are wonderful, beautiful, strong, smart, capable, and so damn special! I will never again let others dim my light. I know that the Universe has many great things planned for me.
I know you are proud of how far I’ve come! I promise that I will create an amazing life, the life that I truly deserve.
I love you!
This is a song that I used to listen to when I was going through the darkest times: https://youtu.be/Ps8H5iP6ZQ8.
Remember that you are not alone, I am always here for you. You are important and you are more than enough.