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Baby steps

Hey Stranger,

Hello, 800 views! Thank you so much, this really means a lot to me! You are all wonderful!

How is it going? Are you using the tips from my last article?

Let me start by saying that, today is officially my first day of work, yuhu! I haven’t worked since mid-March, that’s when I had my last flight. I can’t deny, I feel a bit nervous to meet the family. It was great during the interview and afterwards but you know me. I made some protein brownies for them, it was my first time but it’s okay.

So, this new article is about a few things.

1. I tried to donate blood but I couldn’t. They told me to wait for my MRI and eventually wait for my knee injections too as it might not be safe for me to donate blood right now. I went to Central London for this and I kind of felt a bit sorry because, I was a bit anxious and I really wanted to help someone but once again, my osteoarthritis stopped me, for now at least.

I decided to keep walking and I walked around for hours. What a beautiful city! So full of life, so many impressive buildings. It took me a second to realize that I am in fact in bloody London. It made me smile. After some time, I started to feel the numbness trying to get me but I had to snap out it. See, the thing about dealing with mental health issues like depression and anxiety, they don’t actually leave your side. They just lurk in the darkness waiting for the perfect moment which means, it can happen any time. I had to stop walking, look around and appreciate the moment. I did it, I remembered how hard I worked to get here, I made myself live in the present and appreciate everything. It worked! I am not dwelling on any negative thoughts, and I am sure as hell not allowing the numbness to control me again. This isn’t easy and it does take time but it’s worth trying. You have to keep working on yourself, constantly! There is no shortcut!

I read my first articles and I must say, I am very impressed with my mental progress. The way I wrote those articles, it spoke to me like that was someone else’s pain. It impressed me and I can’t believe I am able to say this about my work.

I have finally deleted everything I had with Him. He is the reason why I created this blog, funny, I know. I had the guts to delete his pictures, messages and I also burned the letters I wrote in January. I am finally free! Oh boy, I am really glad I didn’t try to rush into dating or replacing him. It would have been a huge mistake because my feelings were too strong and definitely too consuming! I don’t want to date right now, I want to make friends. Speaking of that, I actually went out with a girl, and we spent like 3 hours walking in the park and guys, I have to admit, I am actually very sociable! I really had no idea that I could be like that, my anxiety has always been such an impediment to being whoever the hell I wanted and now, I managed to talk even about some experiences with gratitude, I talked about the good side, everything that I’ve learned and so on! I used to always find something negative about anything, no matter how much I tried to have a normal conversation. I am so proud of myself, this is definitely a first!

I was supposed to go out with a guy too because I wanted to socialize, but he ended up being a jerk. There is no need for details but I don’t tolerate such immature behaviour, I find it very disrespectful.

2. I disabled my personal Instagram account and it feels so good! My focus will be on my fitness one. It’s supposed to be a fitness transformation account. Apparently the secret is to post every day something, write your long and informative captions ahead and use sportswear from different brands. I indeed ordered some leggings, cycling short and sports bras. I have no regrets and I really like them because they are so soft and flattering! I also bought some casual clothes and new shoes. They ended up killing my feet, and I am full of blisters but hey, I am trying to dress like I am 21 instead of 31. Yeah, I am just exaggerating, I just barely have casual clothes, everything is so formal and I cannot wear it outside just like that.

3. I had some problems with my tuition fee loan. I called the university before I applied at the beginning of August, I asked questions and I told them what I want to do. They didn’t bother to let me know that going for a Certificate of Higher Education, even if it’s in one year, it’s considered part-time studying! Student Finance emailed me two days ago that I need to send them another form otherwise I won’t get a loan. Long story short, I was really annoyed but yesterday I sent those documents and with my original ID. I didn’t want to pay again for a certified copy but of course, I paid for one-day delivery. The whole situation was a bit ridiculous. I hope everything will be fine now. Thank you, dear University, now I am not eligible to apply for a student Oyster card so no discount for me!

4. I think my new treatment for hair loss is actually working. I know it’s too soon, but I am seeing some improvements. I will keep you updated.

5. I wrote a list with the goals and things I want to work on in September and it’s already on the wall! No more procrastination. This month I haven’t been focused on my diet at all! I worked out a bit but still, I haven’t lost any weight but I dislike it when my mom asks: How much weight have you lost this month? Ugh! The plan is to lose around 5 kg/11 lbs and really focus on training certain group muscles.

6. I really want to fix my sleep schedule! I need to start waking up at 6:45 am and go to bed before 11:30 pm. This will be the hardest thing for me but hey, I will do it! Can't deny it, I am excited to have a schedule, my life has been a mess in the last few years!

Anyway, I think this is all for today, I don’t have the best mood and I just hope the website won't be problematic, this is the third time I attempt to publish this article!

Thank you for all your support and sweet messages.

Thank you for being here for me! Love you!

Romania 2019.

#progress #anxiety #recovery #personalblog #lostinsidemyhead

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