Hope you are doing amazing!
‘Lost inside my head’ has officially reached 10.000 people 🥳🥳🥳
Thank you all for all your constant support, I wouldn’t be where I am now if you didn’t believe in me and supported my writing!
You are all very important to me, and I’m grateful for each one of you!
One of my friends told me a few days ago that I really need to write a book soon as I have so much to share! This is on my mind at all times, I just need to have some time to get started.
I feel like my true journey has just begun, and the Universe has many things planned for me.
I guess I will know when the time is right.
As 2022 is coming to an end, it’s time to reflect on everything that has happened and how I became the person I am today.
Where should I even start?
So many of you have been with me since April 2020, while many are relatively new so you might not know my full story, or at least the life-changing parts.
If you’ve been here for a while, you know how difficult these past few years have been for me; and if you are new, allow me to introduce myself, or better said, reintroduce myself because I am no longer the person I used to be.
I am 23 years young, I’ve been living in the U.K. for almost five years now, and I moved entirely alone right after turning 19. I worked in aviation as a cabin crew for two years, then I was an au pair for a few months, then I also started studying and I completed a certificate of higher education in Law and dropped out right before I was supposed to pursue it further, and during my studies, I worked at a law firm as well.
Afterward, let’s say I had the privilege of going home for a few months for a family death, and then I took some months off this year to focus solely on independent studying, and I became a software engineer.
For the first time in my life, I’m in a great place, doing something that I actually truly enjoy and I see myself building a career in tech.
I’m lucky enough to also complete, hopefully, a degree in software engineering, without paying for it!
From 2018 until 2021 my life was pretty much hopeless, in many ways. It messed up both my mental and physical health, as I had to deal with a lot of bullying, financial hardship several times, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (you can read about it in previous articles), and sadly a lot more.
It’s safe to say that I indeed hit rock bottom a bit too many times, every time was just worse…
I felt like giving up on everything too many times, I was all alone and I felt like I became nothing but the shadow of the person I used to be.
There is a particular moment that still strikes me, it was almost the end of 2020, and I got into some debt after I lost my job in aviation, and I was stuck in the U.K. for months without an income because the borders were closed.
I still remember it vividly, the desperation, the pain, it felt like there is no escape.
I let myself break down, I was sitting on the floor crying, panicking, and wondering what the hell I’m going to do. I even considered some extreme measures that I’m not proud of…
There was no light at the end of the tunnel, just despair…
When I thought things couldn’t get any worse, they did, once again stuck somewhere else, running low on money, losing another job that didn’t even pay enough and I was barely sleeping while working there.
After that specific moment, something broke a little inside of me, my mind started to change.
It became painful to be myself, some memories are still blocked, and I guess it’s for the best.
I couldn’t sleep, I felt like I was in constant danger, and I started dissociating.
Eight months later, I almost died.
While traumatic, that experience somehow woke me up to life.
Something changed that day as well, I started changing too. I continued with therapy, I started to try to help myself more and more because I was exhausted to live that way.
I started to slowly take control of my life again.
All these painful and difficult experiences have taken so much from me.
I reminded myself that all the sacrifices I have made were to create a better life for myself.
I could have gone back to my country and been safer, have an easier life, and take a break from worrying about money, but I just couldn’t.
I left for a reason. There is no life for me there!
I always felt like I don’t belong, and now that feeling is even stronger, so I stayed here despite everything. Alone, living in a stressful environment, I felt like I was in a cage.
Not only metaphorically because I was stuck in my room all the time. I started to go to the park for my therapy sessions to finally get some privacy…
It makes me cringe every time I remember this.
I feel anger remembering everything that I have been through, and how poorly I was treated.
It took a lot of strength to leave so many people behind.
I deserved so much better, and I started flourishing without them!
Pain cannot break me! Every time life tries to put me down, I get back up stronger and stronger. I try my hardest to learn from all the lessons!
As long as I don't lose myself, I know that I can find my way back once again, and I will be okay!
After spending some time at home helping my family during the mourning period, I returned to the U.K. at the end of March 2022, unemployed, and without a backup plan.
I just knew that if I returned later, I could have risked losing my right to live, stay and even work there without a visa.
It wasn’t easy, I had to push myself out of my comfort zone once again, and moved to a new city, far away from where I used to live before. It actually helped so much, the clean slate that I desperately needed. It was a risk worth taking!
I spent every day studying from morning until night, and four months later, I had my first freelance web developer job, then two weeks later, I had my offer for a full-time position as a junior software engineer while also completing a non-traditional apprenticeship, with my start date being in mid-September.
This year I completed twenty coding courses, and in the past four months, I worked and completed two bootcamps simultaneously. One was an artificial intelligence one (I was lucky enough to be accepted and I didn’t have to pay), and the other one was full-stack development for work.
I’m the kind of person who thinks there is always something new to learn, therefore I’ll never act like I’m an expert at something.
This is definitely a step forward and I’m proud of myself because I barely had any time and I was working all day long to keep up!
I just finished my first probation period with my apprenticeship provider, and now I am starting another three months of probation with my employer. I am joining the team a week from now, and I am both excited and slightly nervous because my current team is made up of senior engineers only and I am also the only girl!
I know I will be okay, I am a very fast learner and I really enjoy what I am doing!
For the first time, I know where I am going!
I must admit, I can’t take all the credit for my success! I have some incredible people in my life now. We met through my blog and they love me unconditionally, support me, and they have always been here for me through good and bad, and I am very sorry that I had plenty of bad days when I ended up upsetting them as well.
I want to thank these amazing people from the bottom of my heart! I never knew how it feels like to be truly loved, and appreciated before I met them!
You have a special place in my heart! Thank you for never giving up on me no matter what happened, and thank you for believing in me when I couldn’t believe in myself!
You are my second family, and I hope to always have you in my life!
May you be blessed with happiness, joy, love, and prosperity! What I wish for myself, I wish for you too!
Thank you for helping me become the person I am today! I love you!
As for my lovely community here, thank you once again for all your kind and supportive words, and kind wishes, and for always coming back to read my articles!
Thanks to you, I feel safe to share my thoughts, difficulties, and life experiences!
I never thought I could call myself a writer, but you all saw more in me than I could see!
Now I can't see my life anymore without writing and this amazing blog!
I am grateful for everything, and I wish you all nothing but the best because that is what you deserve!
Thank you for all your love and for giving me hope! You have helped me grow so much.
My blog will always be a safe space for everyone!
This is a judgment-free platform, I will always be trying to always show my real side without sugarcoating things.
We are on this healing journey together, and always remember that there will always be ups and downs, what's important is to understand that you are strong enough to get through everything, and you are not alone!
I am so proud of you, and you are incredible!
I came home for three days, and I am leaving in a few hours!
My parents surprised me with flowers, and even a cake with this thoughtful message "Welcome home our software engineer! Congratulations!".
Finally, I feel like they are truly proud of me, and I am beyond happy!
For those of you who celebrate, happy belated Christmas and Happy New Year!
May 2023 make all your dreams come true!
Cheers to new beginnings!
Today's song is a very old one that I still like a lot https://youtu.be/O9KU-VvWsps