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2021-Goodbye London, I will be back!

Updated: Feb 12, 2021

Hey Stranger…

I know it’s been more than a month and I never take this long to post, but I can assure you I am alive and well. Obviously, the blog was down and for once, they took me seriously after reporting it, they told me what is wrong, and I fixed what they asked me to but it still didn’t work. There is a reason why this article was posted many days ago and you can barely see it now.

Just to start with the good news, I finished my SheCodes 3 weeks workshop, and now I have a certificate called ‘Introduction to Coding’. I also created a new 2021 resume, it is surely improved. Yesterday I also sent my university application for full-time Law LLB, big step considering that I still have doubts but cheers to that.

I have been avoiding writing because I don’t know how to explain everything that has been going on, and I fear that it will be a lot of information to process and I really wanted to cool down first, so my writing would be more objective.

This article might be quite long, so please, bring some popcorn.

Let’s start from the beginning. I officially stopped being an au pair and I have no intention of ever doing this 'job' again. God, I can’t even express the relief that I feel now.

So, during New Years, I had a lot of food, but the main problem was the disgustingly sweet chocolate home-made cake and I had a big slice of it when I was already full. I tried so hard to have fun and feel content with the moment. Everyone was drinking wine, but I started feeling really ill all of a sudden with stomach pain and I threw up in the bathroom. Now, my stomach was really hurting just like when you get food poisoning. You might think it was because of the alcohol but trust me, I did not drink much, it was mostly white wine and I wasn't tipsy before.

I have drunk spirits and smoked weed at the same time and I did not feel sick even once which says a lot, I am not saying this because I am proud of what I do occasionally, but I am simply stating facts. To make the story short, the kid’s mom who was wasted, shouted at me so loud and threatened me that she won’t let me leave Scotland until I pay for a plate (she said £500) that I broke from the wall when I was leaning against the stupid wall because my stomach pain was awful and because the housekeeper cleaned after me and I DID NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS. She also said that she will throw away all my things from London in rubbish bags and that my career is over, I will be a sh*t lawyer and other mean things. Honestly, I thought she will bloody attack me and the kid was behind her trying to defend me and crying because of her mom. After a few hours, we had a ‘talk’ and she finally acted like a human being. Never apologized for threatening me but I apologized instead. I had to apologize for being sick and in pain. The conclusion was that I couldn’t be with them anymore because I ‘broke’ her trust, and they said that the child cannot know why I am leaving. I could have come back to London with them, but I decided to return earlier, so I can say goodbye to my friend and former housemate that just moved back to Canada.

That was a whole adventure but there was this taxi driver that made me feel like there is still hope in humanity by showing me so much kindness when I was in distress!

I was in the middle of nowhere, over two hours away from Glasgow and I let my friend plan the trip because I was still comprehending how I ended up losing my job for feeling sick, I did not actually do anything inappropriate other than feeling sick and throwing up in the bathroom on New Years, at 5 am. Apparently I was supposed to look after the kid. What kind of lame excuse is this? There was no communication about anything and seriously, they ruined both Christmas and New Years for me, and they did not even ask me if I actually want to stay because they prolonged the trip for 10 more days.

Scotland... I absolutely hated being there, and I couldn't truly enjoy the beautiful view. Travelling back to London alone with a huge plastic bag was dreadful. It took me approximately 9 hours to travel all alone, taking different trains and the underground and I almost missed the train from Glasgow which was quite expensive, I got there exactly 4 minutes before departure, so I think it was pure luck. They asked for my keys when I was still in Scotland because they didn’t want me to pack when they were not home, understandable, but they allowed me to move alone in that house in August and stay there for 3 weeks without them. Anyway, I had to wait for them to come back to London, and they didn’t even allow two days to pack. Guys, I have been in this country for almost 3 years now, I have plenty of things! I have moved back to Luton, and it’s 90 minutes away from where I used to live in London and travelling by train with 2 huge bags, 40 kg to be precise, was really hard. Then the next day, I was supposed to go with the landlord, and he didn’t check his car on time and the battery died. We had to take the train and when I saw the amount of bags I still had, I had a mini panic attack thinking how the hell I would get those bags on a train and underground. I obviously offered to leave 2-3 more bags in the garage and return the next day but the kid’s father seemed to be in a rush to see me gone, so he decided to pay over £100 on an Uber to take me back to Luton with all my stuff. I surely appreciated that, but I couldn’t say goodbye to the child or the cats. Beaux was so desperate to be around me, it broke my heart to leave him behind…

Nevertheless, there isn't much left to say about this. I simply believe things happen for a reason. Do you ever feel like the Universe is sending you signs and trying to tell you that something isn’t good for you? It may sound absurd, but I didn’t change doctors, I didn’t register to a GP in London, although it was 10 minutes away. My skin has mostly acted up all the time there, I stopped losing weight, My ED has been causing me troubles and anxiety made me go through days of being so painfully bloated without eating much that I looked pregnant. I didn’t feel comfortable, I felt like I am in a prison and even in Scotland, for some reason I took the keys with me and more ID documents. Maybe it doesn’t prove anything, but I had this feeling that I am in the wrong place for six months and I tried to make it silent because I didn’t want to complain, and I had a job. That was not a job and I did not even have a contract or an agreement, I have problems with money now exactly because of that ‘job’. Moving to London was supposed to be my clean slate, but it turned out to be a valuable lesson. I allowed others to treat me badly, and I was like a shadow in that house. Both my physical and mental health were deteriorating considerably because the truth is, I was pretty much unhappy and miserable. I had a child’s room with a small bed, a messed up schedule, my insomnia was becoming so bad that I ended up asking for both sleeping and anxiety pills. My heart rate always frighteningly high, my anxiety was crippling sometimes. What the hell was I doing to myself?

You have no idea how well I’ve been feeling since I came back to Luton. I am calm, relaxed and I am sleeping. My heart rate has gone down considerably. I want to go back home because my country reopened the borders and I will try to stay for a month. I want to remove my braces, get a whitening treatment and just act like a 21 years old girl for once!

I had another MRI and then in February I will cancel the another appointment with the Trauma and Orthopaedics team. I AM GOING HOME!

I want to focus on university and my Personal Trainer course.

I need to start working out again because in the last 6-7 months I gained 4-5 kg and my weight keeps fluctuating. I know it’s not a lot, but I want to lose more weight and I want to eat healthy again. I feel like I don’t even know how to cook anymore…

I don’t exactly care that I don’t have a job right now, I need a break and I need to focus on what’s important for me.

Remember, make yourself a priority because nobody else will do it for you and don't feel ashamed to admit if you are going through a difficult period. Life is made of ups and downs.

I am proud of you for constantly trying to improve yourself.

Take care and love you!

London Blackfriars Station.

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