How have you been?
We reached 5000 views!!! This is absolutely amazing and I am speechless! I am beyond grateful for each of you and all your constant support!
Virtual hugs for everyone! I wouldn’t be the person that I am today without this wonderful community!
I am truly sorry that messages aren’t working, I wish I could find a way to fix this…
This week hasn’t been easy for me. I mainly returned home because my grandpa’s illness worsened, and my mom said that these might be his final days.
On Sunday, I said my final goodbye.
For a few months now, I have been wearing a red string around my left hand for protection against the evil eye and misfortune. It’s something that is known in different religions too, might have different meanings behind so, I guess it’s a personal choice whether you want to believe in it or not, I chose to.
My beliefs have changed. I was born and raised in a Romanian Christian Orthodox household, and I used to go to church every Sunday as a kid, mostly alone. Now I believe in the Universe, I know there is positive and negative energy, I believe in karma, etc. I pray to the Universe and show gratitude every day for everything that I am and have.
I still celebrate certain holidays, just not as much as before.
Again, everyone has different beliefs and disbeliefs. As long as you don’t try to force them on others, and you don’t judge others for what they choose to believe in, then everything is fine.
My grandpa was in a lot of pain, so I decided to put my red string and a bracelet around his left hand and asked the Universe to take his pain away, forgive his sins and let him find peace. I was caressing his head and I could see him becoming more relieved. I could feel him fading away. I cried a bit, yet he didn’t want me to be there anymore. I never said ‘I love you’ to him before, but I did then. Shortly after I left, he passed away.
Nobody likes to see someone close being in so much pain. I tried my best to be by his side in his final moments.
The funeral was three days ago, here it’s a tradition to keep the open coffin (if possible) in the house for three days and people come to see the person, light a candle, stay for a while. Basically, there must be someone next to the coffin at all times in those three days.
I couldn’t cry at all when I stayed next to the body, I couldn’t cry at all in the church, I couldn’t cry at all in the cemetery. I just couldn’t feel anything but peace. I know he is in a better place now.
I will be wearing mostly black for six weeks, this is known as ‘doliu’.
My mom was the one the organised everything, as she was his daughter in law. It’s quite the irony that his actual kids didn’t help with anything, not even financially. My mom was struggling so I decided to help with some money too.
Today is Christmas, it’s time to reflect on the good things as well.
If you didn’t get any Christmas cards, I hope you wrote one for yourself. I wrote one back in April when I was really struggling and feeling down, and I finally read it today. It made me smile and I feel so proud of myself.
Other than that I don’t really have many updates. I have been trying to donate blood for three years now and I was recently told twice that I will never be able to donate because my veins are too thin, I struggle with blood tests a lot too. I didn’t know my blood type until two weeks ago when I paid to find out. Turns out I am O+, which makes me a universal donor for everyone that has a positive Rh. Too bad I can’t donate…
I received my first assignment grade and it was an 86%, the tutor said it was exceptionally good for a first assignment. I have another 96% in a test, so that’s pretty great.
I have a few days left until I finish my third SheCodes workshop and I honestly really enjoyed it and for once, I respected all the deadlines and that is something that I find hard when there isn’t someone else to check on me. It’s different with my university work, however, I have to study alone all the time and I have no classes, just independent studying. It feels pretty boring and isolating at times, sometimes I really wish I could be a normal student but I have come to terms with the fact that it will never happen.
I decided to treat myself and go to a spa. Definitely first time doing this! I felt so guilty at the beginning…
Whenever it comes to spending money on myself, for my own well-being and pleasure, it’s quite dreadful.
I am trying to let go of the guilt and keep working on prioritising myself.
I am not enjoying being home so much. I have a pretty dysfunctional relationship with my mother, and we’ve been having many fights since I came home, which made me get some red and dry patches all over my body. She doesn’t respect my choices, doesn’t keep in mind what my emotional and physical needs are. Everything is great as long as I do whatever she wants. She also wants me to stay home and she’s not happy about me returning to the U.K., never mind that I keep telling her that I am moving even further away in a few months from now. I have to keep reinforcing my boundaries with her and she’s the person who finds it the hardest to understand that I am no longer making myself small for the comfort of others, and I no longer excuse those who abuse my empathy.
I will change the narrative by laughing in all the places that I used to cry.
Things I am leaving in 2021:
- blaming myself for things I did in the past.
- allowing people to take advantage of me and my kindness;
- constantly being available for everyone;
- prioritising others but never myself;
-not speaking up for myself;
- people pleasing;
- gaslighting from others and from myself;
- PTSD, Xanax, insomnia, high cortisol!
- toxic people that enjoy seeing me down;
- body shaming myself and measuring my value with a number on a scale and clothing sizes;
- jobs that don’t bring me mental and financial satisfaction;
- saying ‘yes’ when all I want is to say ‘no’;
- financial difficulties;
- undermining my achievements;
- constant knee pain and inability to walk and work out;
- unhealthy habits;
- the old version of me!
Remember, everything will be okay and you will get through this. You are stronger than you think. It’s okay if today isn’t a merry day for you and you don’t know how you feel. Give yourself some credit because this year hasn’t been easy.
I wish you all a Merry Christmas and happy holidays! May your days be filled with light, happiness and peace! May all your wishes come true!
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for everything!
Today's song choice is one that simply makes me want to dance: https://youtu.be/knaQay4H6bc